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April 15, 2012

Sex and the American Man and the Two Japanese Chicks behind Me Right Now




Ah, for the days when American men appreciated the finer things in life, like indoor smoking and fellatio



Lord knows we love us a fresh-squeezed sex survey around these parts, just as we love us dumb Esquire surveys on the tastes of American men. So when Esquire came out with a long survey on the sexual tastes of American men and nothing but the sexual tastes of American men, you had to know this post was coming.

I think we need to start right at the end, at Item 39 of the survey, to wit:

“How far could you go with a woman other than your wife or girlfriend without engaging in something that you would define as ‘sex’?”

Esquire’s survey sample, a whopping 522 male respondents aged twenty-one to fifty-nine, said:

Flirting: 28%
Kissing: 17%
Licking her breasts: 5%
Cunnilingus: 1%
Getting a handjob: 2%
Getting a blowjob: 10%
Anal intercourse: 1%
Vaginal intercourse: 4%

The first question that simply leaps out from this list and wedgies the reader’s cortex is, Why the highfalutin’ Latinate names for carpet-licking, bungholery, and salami-hiding, as if they were medieval popes or something, while fellatio and manual intercourse are dismissed with puerile nicknames?

Of course, the buried lede here at first appears to be the high score for “getting a blowjob.” For the math-challenged, helpful Esquire editors even deigned to add:

“Closer Look: 10% of all men do not consider oral sex to be sex.”

...but a closer look at that Closer Look reveals the true story here to be that 100% of Esquire editors do not consider cunnilingus to be oral sex, since it’s also in the list with a much lower score.*

Also, we can hardly leave this item without noting the low score given the handjob. Now, I take a back seat to no one in my veneration of the handjob. But do the math here: There are at least forty-two men in America who draw a line between the blowjob (“Hi dear, I’m home! What a day! Wall-to-wall meetings and then the hot new receptionist insisted on fellating me! I’m beat!”) and the handjob (“Strange fingerprints? On my glans? You must be mistake, honey.”).

I weep for the youth of America.

Personally, I’m going to go with all of the bottom five items as “sex," applying my oft-stated definition of sex as “any act involving two or more people that results in an orgasm for at least one of them, preferably me.”

I think another key criterion for what can and can’t be considered a sex act is: Can it kill you? Unprotected anal and vaginal intercourse certainly can, and as of July 2011, so can oral sex, at least here in Japan. Yes, a new and untreatable form of gonorrhea has emerged among female Japanese sex workers—one of my all-time favorite demographics!—and is coming soon to a singles bar near you.

I tell you, you can’t turn your backs on Japan for ten seconds. If we’re not spewing slow-moving clouds of radiation at you, we’re cooking up new forms of saliva-borne death for export.

But to return to my point: Blowjobs (and cunnilingus) are potentially deadly. Handjobs are deadly only if you’re getting one from Bruce Banner in mid-transformation to the Hulk, so I’d put them further down the list, though still in the “Is so!” category.

Now that that’s settled, on to some of the other items:


Item: "How often do you watch pornography?"
9% replied “More than once a day”; 16% said “Once a day”; and 75% of American men lied their asses off.


Item: “If your partner gave you one free pass sexual encounter with a celebrity, who would be your first call?”

Mila Kunis: 18%
Halle Berry: 17%
Charlize Theron: 11%
Rihanna: 10%
Kate Middleton: 8%
Channing Tatum: 2%

It’s hard to argue with any of those selections, though the photo Esquire dredged up of Halle Berry looks a bit too much like Michael Jackson in his Thriller video for my liking.

I would probably have to go with Yvonne Strahovski, aka the chick from Chuck. And afterward, I’d ask her to put on her black underwear and kick me in the face. Or maybe just skip the sex and go straight to the kick in the face. But that's just me.


Item: The Demise of the Blowjob

That’s the actual title of a sidebar that adds insult to the injury inflicted on fellatio by the aforementioned Item 39. The side-barista, Geoff Dyer, argues that cunnilingus is all the new rage among his straight male friends because they all really, really love doing that way more than boring-old being blown. In response, I say it’s high time we amend Obamacare with a statute that gives every thirteen-year-old American boy a free Rolling Fella Bomber, so that he can grow up with his head on straight regarding straight head-giving.

To bolster his claim, Dyer cites a series of…fictional characters. You see, up till the Nineties, the novels he read and movies he watched included numerous instances of blowjobs being praised, whereas one made-up guy in a recent Jonathan Franzen novel dismisses the act as childish. And then there are Dyer’s ten friends, eight of whom prefer the Cunnilingus brand and two of whom…are gay! I suspect a strong Observer Effect here, as in eight straight men being asked their favorite flavor of oral sex in the presence of their girlfriends.

As I type this on a rainy Saturday afternoon in my office, two gorgeous senior girls are sitting behind me working on a project and eating my nuts (as in almonds). A powerful compulsion comes over me to ask their views on the status of the blowjob, but then I remember that I like having an office for shelter on rainy Saturdays, not to mention a home and an income and some semblance of sanity. Still, I think it would be a shame for them--not to mention their male peers, and my fantasy life--were they to face a blowjobless future just because some drive-by sidebar-slinger named Dyer hangs with a pack of whipped hetero friends.

We’d better move on. This column is shaping up like something old-school Tucker Max might have written, and Lord knows I don’t belong on that turf…


Item: Have you ever used Viagra or another erectile-dysfunction medication?

Yes: 20% No: 80%

And again with the “closer look”:

“Men in their 50s are more than three times as likely to have used Viagra as guys in their 20s.”

Yes, well… Speaking on behalf of men in their fifties, thanks loads for pointing that out, Esquire editors.


Item: In your perfect world, your partner’s breasts would be…

Small but firm: 24%
Pointy and pert: 38%
Huge. The bigger the better: 24%
Does not apply: 14%

Now, is it just me, or does it seem to you, too, as if Esquire editors are trying to discourage subjects from opting for big ones? “The bigger the better”? Really? As in “big enough to crush a man’s skull”? And note the lack of any option between “Pointy and pert” and “The bigger the better,” like, say, “Grippable and cushion-like” or maybe “Sofia Vergara-type breasts, aka the very same huge breasts that you fellows have plastered on the cover of this magazine to get us to buy it.”

As if to trumpet the sophistication and maturity of its readership, Esquire splashes a huge photo of a pointy-and-pert-breasted naked lady on the page, covering her rightward parabola with a balloon reading “ONLY 24% OF MEN THINK BIGGER BREASTS ARE ALWAYS BETTER,” and no doubt just barely resisting the urge to cover its fellow with “SHALLOW, SHALLOW CREATURES—GET YE TO MAXIM!I'd say 24% is not a bad tally at all for a campaign more carelessly managed than Herman Cain's.


Item: Have you ever received oral sex while driving?

51% replied yes.

One begins to see the problem here--the root cause of the whole "decline of the blowjob" thing. A whole generation of men has come of age thinking that fellatio is something that occurs only while operating a motor vehicle. And presumably not a few of those men have caught The World According to Garp on cable, replete with its infamous, uh, garage scene. That would sour any man on blowjobs and lead him to claim to prefer cunnilingus in surveys.

Never thought I’d be the sex guru to a generation but: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Contrary to what you’ve been told, a moving vehicle is not required to enjoy fellatio.


Item: Has a sexual partner ever inserted a finger into your anus?

Let’s cut right to the “Closer Look,” shall we?

“Men who have had a finger up the rectum are more likely not to believe in lifelong monogamy than to believe in it.”

...to which I say, Thank God I’ve reached my word limit so that I don’t have to untangle that one for you. Good night, and good luck.






* You know who they really need to sound out on this matter? Our old friend Kogai is who. Around the twenty-minute mark of this NSFW opus I’m sure he could assure Esquire editors that cunnilingus is indeed sex at its most grueling—if he could communicate that message through a language consisting entirely of Mmmfffffs, that is.