Josh Muggins's Blah Blah Blah


October 2, 2011

Sex Quiz Time!

Hmm...can the hypogastric nerve trigger orgasm? Think, dammit--think!

So there I sat in my lead-lined lair, stewing, stuck for a blog idea—what with Jennifer Love-Hewitt stubbornly refusing to let her PC be hacked—when not for the first or last time, I was rescued by the estimable Tracy Clark-Flory at Salon.

Hot on the heels of Washington, D.C.’s new requirement that public schoolchildren sit for a sex education test, Tracy and some friends cobbled together a multi-choice test of their own for adults. I thought it would be a hoot if you and I were to take the thing together. I’ll offer my usual droll commentary item by item, and after adding up our scores we can do the old I’ll-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours bit.

Oh, come on, reader! It’ll be way cool! We never do fun stuff together anymore…

…Or not. If you’d rather skip the Mugginsian repartee and cut to the chase, Tracy’s quiz is here.

Okay, now that we’ve ditched all the Gloomy Guses, let’s get started.

(Click on the number to skip to the Answer Key at the bottom.)

1) A paraphilia is:

a. A fetish for parachuting
b. An incurable sexually transmitted infection
c. A clinical category of sexual disorders
d. A word I just made up to sound smart

Oh… I see… It’s going to be one of those quizzes, eh, Tracy Clark-Flory? I thought you were serious about gauging adult sexual literacy, but instead you just want to show off how cute you can be. Hmph. Okay, I'll play along. Etymology tells us it must be (c).

2) Abstinence-only education:

a. Delays first intercourse
b. Reduces rates of teen pregnancy
c. Reduces rates of STIs
d. All of the above
e. None of the above -- and yet Congress has spent over $1.5 billion on it

Here we shift from aggressive cuteness to editorializing. Sorry, reader, if you took me up on my invitation. So far, this quiz is neither challenging nor fun. My answer: (e).

3) What is the average duration of heterosexual intercourse?

a. Less than a minute
b. 13 minutes
c. 8 minutes
d. 25 minutes

Well, around here it has always been (a) as far back as I can remember. It's sort of a Muggins family tradition, don't you know; but I’ve long suspected that this does not hold for the world at large. I may be an outlier on this one. So if I pick a male pornstar of my generation—Peter North, say—and split his average duration and mine, we arrive at something close to (b). I’m going with (b).

4) Roughly how many women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone?

a. 10 percent
b. 20 percent
c. 60 percent
d. All of them, they just haven't met Mr. Right

Well, this is a tough one—even after chucking out (d), the too-cool-for-school distracter. Again, just going by my personal experience, (a) comes closest but…I’m going with (b).

5) Non-human animals have been observed doing all of the following EXCEPT:

a. Group sex
b. Same-sex sexual behavior
c. Making dildo-like objects
d. Oral sex
e. "Except" nothing -- they've done all of the above and then some. Uncivilized animals.

…Torn between (c) and (e) here… I vaguely recall reading an earlier Tracy post on this subject, but it would be a foul to look it up. But if there had been something in that piece about primates huddling on the savannah and whittling dildos, I’m pretty sure I’d remember that. My answer: (c).

6) What infection is NOT included in most STI screenings?

a. Chlamydia
b. Gonorrhea
c. Herpes
d. HIV

Hmm… Time was, you needed to give specific permission to be tested for HIV, so that could be the one. On the other hand, is there even a test for Chlamydia? And, apropos of nothing, wouldn’t "Chlamydia" be the prettiest name ever, a name that you would want to give your daughter, if only an awful disease hadn’t snagged it first? I’m going with (d).

7) How many men have faked orgasm?

a. 10 percent
b. 25 percent
c. 40 percent
d. None -- dudes can't fake it and don't have to

Woody Allen used to joke about faking orgasms, but that was back in the dark, pre-Viagra age. These days, what with all the different flavors of boner juice on the shelves, I’m guessing it actually does happen. I’d love to sound Osama bin Laden, holed up with his four wives, on this issue but, alas, too late. My answer: (a)

8) A woman may experience orgasm as a result of sensory information from which of the following nerves:

a. Pudendal nerve
b. Pelvic nerve
c. Hypogastric nerve
d. Vagus nerve
e. All of the above

Holy crap! If I had a lady’s pudendum in front of me right now, I’d say, “You’ve got a lot of nerve!” Get it? A lot of nerve! (Actually, it should be “a lot of nerves, plural.” Anyway, never mind.) I should think that stimulating the hypogastric nerve would more likely produce bodacious farting than coming—but couldn't it be both? I’m going with (e).

9) Which is generally the most pleasure-prone part of a man's penis?

a. The underside of the glans
b. The top side of the penile shaft
c. The head
d. It's all the same

Finally, something I can offer first-hand testimony about. (a)

10) Which of the following is true about marital satisfaction?

a. It generally decreases after you have a baby together
b. It all goes to hell after the baby's born
c. It is usually not affected after a couple has a baby together

What kind of “satisfaction” are we talking about, Tracy? If you mean general satisfaction with the state of being married - getting waffles on Sunday morning, sleeping on clean sheets, etc. - I suppose it’s (c). If you mean the couple’s sex life, then why don’t you just say so? Why so shy all of a sudden? A few minutes ago, you were all with the “dildo-like objects” and “top side of the penile shaft” and so forth, and now you can’t even say “sex life”? You have to euphemize with "marital satisfaction"? I think you’re talking about the quality of the sex life, in which case, (a).

11) What percent of married adults are largely satisfied with their sexual partner?

a. 54 percent
b. 64 percent
c. 94 percent
d. 0 percent. Married couples don't have sex

Here again, the question needs to be worded better. I’m sure Tracy assumes that a married adult’s “sexual partner” is his/her spouse. But did survey respondents necessarily read it that way? How do you address this item if you’re Ashton Kutcher?

If we’re limiting this to spouses, then I’d expect a figure somewhere in the 15-30 percent range. But allowing for spouse-looking-over-my-shoulder-while-I-fill-out-surveys bias, I’ll go with (b).

12) Which of the following can reduce the effectiveness of oral contraceptives?

a. Female orgasms
b. Antibiotics
c. Antidepressants
d. All of the above

It’s rather alarming to know that at least one of these is correct. I’m going with (c). I know from experience that that stuff zones one out, perhaps causing one to forget to take other meds.

13) Approximately what percent of heterosexual women and men in the U.S. have had anal sex?

a. 10 percent
b. 15 percent
c. Trick question! Only gay men have anal sex
d. 25 percent

Ha! I wrote a column on this myself, so I circle (d) with confidence.

14) How long does it usually take for symptoms of HIV to appear?

a. Two weeks
b. Six months
c. Two years
d. Over a decade

It's (d), for heaven’s sake. My goodness, are there still people who don’t know that?

15) How many women and men feel preoccupied with their sexual performance?

a. 5 percent of women, 10 percent of men
b. 15 percent of women, 15 percent of men
c. 30 percent of women, 50 percent of men
d. 0 percent of women (all they have to do is lie there), 0 percent of men (what's there to worry about?)

Again with the fuzzy wording… I’m going to assume that this means “…preoccupied with their sexual performance while having sex” and not while watching NCIS or fielding debate questions.

Personal experience doesn’t help me much here. I suppose I would be preoccupied with my performance if the performance lasted long enough for preoccupation to kick in. As it is, I try to fend off orgasm by mentally reciting all the US presidents in order, but seldom get past Jefferson. I’m going with (c).

16) A person who has oral herpes (cold sores) can pass the herpes virus to a partner while performing oral sex on them.

a. True
b. False

Wow, good question! I’d say False. God, please let it be False…

17) Among young, healthy men who have difficulties getting or keeping an erection, the cause is most often related to:

a. Erectile dysfunction
b. Performance anxiety
c. Peyronie's disease
d. Phimosis

(b), (b), it’s (b). Could we change the subject please? It’s (b) so... Just move on, okay?

18) Approximately what percent of couples have experienced sexual problems?

a. 10 to 20 percent
b. 32 to 40 percent
c. 57 to 70 percent
d. 78 to 95 percent

Okay, I’m getting tired of this inadequate-wording crap. You mean married couples? Or does this include yet unwed Mennonite couples? Because that would bring down the figure some, I’m sure. Assuming it’s married (and mostly non-Mennonite) couples, I’ll take (c).

19) Which of the following lubricants can be used safely with latex condoms:

a. Silicone-based lubricants
b. Water-based lubricants
c. Oil-based lubricants
d. All of the above
e. A and B only

I wonder if they covered this in high school chemistry. I took advanced math instead. I sat behind Poopsie Wannamaker there and occasionally got a glimpse of side cleavage when she wore sleeveless blouses. But I digress. (She favored pink bras.) Let’s go with… (e).

20) How many U.S. states grant same-sex marriage licenses?

a. 6
b. 4
c. 10
d. None

Well, we’re up to…what? New York, Hawaii, Iowa… Is Iowa still in? I think there’s been some rollback. But I’m going with (a).

21) What is a "gender identity"?

a. It dictates whom a person is sexually attracted to
b. It is a person's inner sense of maleness and/or femaleness
c. It is your biological sex
d. All of the above

Tip of the hat to Chaz Bono for illuminating this one. Obviously, it’s (b).

22) Roughly how many men and women have never masturbated?

a. 2 percent of men and 25 percent of women
b. 10 percent of men and 20 percent of women
c. 1 percent of men and 15 percent of women
d. 5 percent of men and 11 percent of women

On the male side of the equation, at least, this is sort of the same thing as asking, "How many boys are born without hands?" Even Mennonite lads have to strum on the old banjo now and again. (c)

23) Which is the fastest-growing group of people with HIV in the U.S.?

a. Homosexuals
b. Men who have sex with men
c. African-American women
d. Gay Caucasian men

Three of these things belong together...♪ How about tacking on a few more redundant distracters, like, say:

(e) Human males who slide their penises inside the buttholes of other human males
(f) Advocate subscribers
(g) Buttfuckers of cellmates

Meantime, I’m going with (c).

24) What is the most-visited porn site on the Internet?


It'd be Asian Porn Movies were there any justice in the world, IMHO, but given these choices, (b).

25) Which acts as an abortifacient?

a. Plan B
b. RU-486
c. IUDs
d. All of the above

Got to be (d).

26) The HPV vaccine can reduce the risk of:

a. Genital warts
b. Cervical cancer
c. Anal cancer
d. All of the above

It’s a strange age we live in when Chaz Bono AND Rick Perry help you with your homework. This one is (b). Thanks, Rick.

27) A woman's virginity can be proven by:

a. An intact hymen
b. Bleeding during first intercourse
c. Both A and B
d. Nothing -- it can't be proven with physical evidence

There have been Japanese chicks and those in other Asian cultures who have paid surgeons to install a fresh new hymen prior to marriage. Sorry—that’s probably not a fact you want knocking around in your head while you check out Asian Porn Movies. Never mind. But this one is obviously (d).














8 minutes, eh… Well, that's better news than 13 but still: I’d have to make it all the way to Warren G. Harding on my orgasm-delaying gambit.







So they are whittling dildo-like objects! Those little, feces-hurling devils! Here's the earlier Tracy piece I was thinking of, FYI.




Herpes is not tested for… Good to know.




25%! I wish some of these distinguished gentlemen who get bored while poking around inside vaginas could cede me some of their leftover time…














94% satisfied, eh. Well, then, they aren't equating "spouse" with "sexual partner" after all.








Well, that’s an embarrassing mistake…but at the same time, reassuring. I’ve never understood the butthole’s attraction, frankly. Next time you get a chance, coldcock a random fellow citizen, de-pants him/her, and take a good, hard gander at his/her butthole. Trust me, it'll change your perspective on this orifice.














Yep, it’s (b).




Nobody bothers to survey the dating Mennonites anymore. I’m not sure I want to go on living in such a cold world.




Folks, I totally pulled this one out of my ass.







Thanks, Chaz!










Wow! I’ve never even heard of I’d love to check it out, but I’m using my office PC at school right now… Must be patient until I get home. What delights await me at Huh? What delights await me??




I thought the inclusion of IUDs was odd, but surely Plan B qualifies as an aborti-whatzit. No? I’m playing this one under protest.




Damn you, Rick Perry! Damn you to Hell!




Did I ever tell you about the time I had to play a character named Hymen in a high school play? Talk about your humiliation. I'd rather have just shown the entire student body my butthole… Anyway, it’s in the last chapter of my new book, so pick it up, why don’t you?

I got 14 out of 27. Just like my Dodgers this year, I barely get my chin above .500. How about you?

* Tracy credits the following as contributors to the quiz: Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute and the Center for Sexual Health Promotion, Carol Queen of Good Vibrations, and Heather Corinna of the website Scarleteen.