Josh Muggins's Blah Blah Blah


July 10, 2011

Japanese Porn: A Midsummer Book Report

Why so angry, female Japanese prison guards?

I think it’s time to write about porn again, but rest assured. This time I will not, as I admittedly have done in the past, toss around the names of any old illustrious porn actresses (like, oh, say, Mika Tan, Ashlynn Brooke, or Lacey Tom) simply to lure more misguided visitors to this site. (Sorry: I meant to say "Mika Tan NUDE!!!")

No, today my focus is entirely on Japanese porn, and thus by definition my topic is devoid of names known to a typical Muggins reader such as yourself—you know, names like “Lanny Barby,” “Jana Jordan,” “Kayden Kross” and what have you. And yes, your point is well taken: That is quite enough of the enough of blatant traffic phishing for one day.

Peter North!!

Damn! That just slipped out… Peter’s always good for a dozen hits a week.

Since my Videobox subscription expired, I’ve taken my custom to Asian Porn Movies, a free site along the lines of YouPorn, only without all the extraneous white ladies. Or black ladies. Or Latinas. I mean, the site name is pretty self-explanatory, right?

What one loses going from Videobox to Asian Porn Movies is quite a lot of screen resolution as well as the ability to download. This is your typical file-sharing operation, so one must rely on the kindness of strangers, as it were. Some sharers are in fact the operators of for-pay porn sites, so they offer tantalizing but ultimately unsatisfying samples. Other, better-intentioned sharers will butcher a promising scene by stripping it of everything that they deem superfluous, leading to all sorts of continuity nightmares. “Wait—how’d the teacher get naked so fast? And where’d that stuff on her cheek come from?”

The bulk of what has, for better or worse, caught my attention is of Japanese origin and anywhere from five to twenty years old. (I refer to the age of the films, of course, not the—well, how dare you, sir!) More likely than not, the genitalia is mosaic-ed out by Japanese censors—which is just as well, given these people’s gynecological predilections.

Anyway, what follows is a sampling. Bear in mind that all links in this post are NSFW. For that matter, they are NSFS, H, OAEWYVYS.* The titles are those assigned to the videos by the sharing member, and I assume no responsibility for any misunderstandings caused by them.

For example, the title “Japanese with Mouth Full of Cum Licks Guy’s Face” is, I’m happy to report, somewhat misleading. Yes, it’s true that the heroine begins the movie with a heaping mouthful of ejaculate and ends it slobbering all over a man’s face—even his glasses, for heaven’s sake. (It is unclear whether the ejaculate belongs to the man being licked or to some other person. I don’t know about you, but for me, that would be the deal-breaker for negotiating my participation in such a film.) In any case, the girl clearly has been to a hair stylist between the first scene and the face-licking one, implying that sufficient time has passed for a purifying of her saliva.

Then there is the generically named Japanese AV Hot Model. If “I Saw Her Standing There” is the perfect three-minute pop-rock song, then by gosh, this must be the apotheosis of the five-minute porn scene. Six giggling, naked, ponytailed Japanese young ladies in a Jacuzzi take turns fellating a bloke. Eventually, he chooses the one he likes best (my choice as well!) and, much to her delight (and mine), pulls her out for some gentle tub-side coitus while the others watch and cheer. The whole thing would seem downright wholesome if not for the, you know, debasing of women and the sperm and the what have you. But for these blissful five minutes, one can easily delude oneself into believing that these six nymphs would not wish themselves anywhere but in that Jacuzzi, nor with anyone else but these particular companions, nor with anything in their mouths but this nondescript young man’s equally nondescript hammer.

Put it this way, if I had a teenage daughter and was informed that for whatever reason she would have to appear in one porn scene prior to her turning twenty, I would want her to be in this one—if for no other reason than that she only has a 16.6% chance of getting boned.

I’m a sucker for any school-based scenes involving aggressive, eager-to-please Japanese females stalking doltish, easily-cornered male elders. That scenario speaks to something deep inside me. The awkwardly named Schoolgirl In Training Dress Giving Blowjob Getting Facial In The Locker Room fills the bill nicely. The protagonist may spend the entire scene on her knees and may reverently address her costar as “my beloved senior” in those rare intervals when she can form syllables, but she’s clearly in command from start to finish while the doofus “senior” can only bleat, “Is this really okay?” A real gem.

I’m also a sucker for stories of interracial bonding, real or faked, of the type offered by Japanese AV Model cute Asian girl.

It’s easy to glean the filmmakers’ vision here. Their actor shows up with a full-body tan, and some Japanese do get remarkably dark in summer—easily darker than our President. So they smear some cold cream on the chap's face and chest, slap a loinskin on him, and voila—instant Exchange Student Witch Doctor.

Evidently “tchongas” is the tribal term for vagina and “ahhhnngh” means something along the lines of “Great day in the morning, I’m being fellated by a cute Japanese girl!” although, now that I think about it, “ahhhhnngh” is sort of universal in that situation. Here again, the male actor plays an entirely supporting role to the dominant female who is, as advertised, cute. "No problem," she reassures the agitated Witch Doctor, in English for some reason.

Sometimes, though, I’m in the mood to see a take-charge guy of a certain age put a pliant young woman through her paces. At such moments, Japanese AV Model Nipples Sucked works wonders. It offers the no-nonsense manager of a franchise in the improbably-named F-Cup Mart convenience store chain training one of his charges, while another inexplicably looks on. (The setting is unusually realistic for a porn scene, with a color scheme suggestive of Japan’s Family Mart chain. One wonders what sort of bribe was dangled before the night manager’s saucer-like eyes…)

I could go on and on but the variety on this site is exhaustive just to think about, let alone to describe. Here’s a busty, petite lady in a man’s business suit sexually harassing a pudgy doofus in pantyhose, in case you've ever been curious about that sort of thing. Here are most of the nymphs from the Jacuzzi scene reunited to take turns sitting on some other guy’s face.

There’s an endless series of these cruel “time-stop” shorts wherein a man has his way with random females stuck in suspended animation. (Personally, I pass on these, though there’s a grudging admiration for the actresses who manage to hold their countenance.) And what do you say to two naked Japanese ladies helping a comatose elderly patient change his bedding? I mean that literally: what do you say?

Or maybe grim female prison guards angrily jerking off helpless, bound jailbirds is your thing. Got plenty more where this came from.

And then there’s this bizarre opus, set on what appears to be a naked girl ranch. A slew of actresses wearing nothing but dog collars are led through calisthenics (though one renegade needs to be hosed down). The head rancher calmly explains the virtues of his techniques to a visiting TV reporter. Then the girls are allowed to feed on…well, you can probably guess what they feed on.

At first I thought that this was the most degrading thing ever conceived by the mind of man—worse, even, than “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” Then I concluded that it was actually a brilliant satire concocted by an avant-garde faction of Japanese feminists. Much as I applaud this attempt to meld Dadaism and low-rent erotica, I still can't bring myself to enjoy it.

* Not Safe for School, Home, Or Anywhere Else Where You Value Your Sanity.