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October 3, 2010

Sex Toys for Men, Japanese Chicks, Justin Bieber, and Other Random Search Terms Designed to Lure Unsuspecting Web-surfers




Actually, nothing about this guy (unless you count him as a Sex Toy for Men)

After my first book came out, I resolved that my next book would have nothing whatsoever to do with Japanese chicks lest I get myself permanently pegged as “Josh Muggins—oh, you know: that Japanese chicks guy.”

Now, with my third column of the year on sex toys for men, I’m sort of asking to be pegged as “Josh Muggins—oh, you know: the sex-toys-for-men guy.”

I’m not sure which label is more appalling for a scrawny, shifty, stoop-shouldered fifty-four-year-old white boy to deliberately attach to himself, but what I do know is that hits to this site skyrocket every time I invoke sex toys for men.

Thus, when a headline like “Akihabara morphing into a Sextoys 'R' Us” falls into my tumescent lap, I take it as a provocation. I take it as a sign from God. Above all, I take it as a valid excuse to bust my own sex toy out of the sock drawer just to, you know, make sure it’s not getting all linty in there.

Really, this article is a godsend. By focusing on sex toys for Japanese men, it inevitably includes tangential references to Japanese chicks as well. Which just goes to show that in this life you do, on rare occasions, get to have your cake and eat it, too.

The article focuses on Tokyo's Akihabara district, once the place to go for a great discount on a new TV or air conditioner but now gaining a reputation for an entirely different sort of household appliance. No investigative report into a seedy sociological phenomenon is complete, of course, without the obligatory academic expert on hand to supply breathtakingly self-evident quotes that lend the piece an air of authority. And filling that role admirably is one Takuro Morinaga, professor emeritus of Stating the Obvious at Japan’s prestigious Duh University, who favors us with the following two gems as he strolls along the sex shop-lined streets of Akihabara:

1. “With the ongoing improvement in these kinds of devices, I suppose the more males find communicating with females to be troublesome, the greater demand such items will enjoy.”

To which the reader, channeling the late Gary Coleman, might well inquire “Whatchoo talkin’ about, Professor Takuro Morinaga?” To be sure, this English translation of whatever Prof. Morinaga actually said has come out a bit garbled, so let’s break it down.

Prof. Morinaga is obviously working from two fundamental assumptions:

a. Japanese dudes have always had a hard time talking to Japanese chicks, and

b. they’re getting progressively worse at it.

He thereafter implies that the boom in inflatable dolls and other sex toys (blowjob simulators presumably being the Thing That Must Not Be Named) is an effect of this ineptitude at communication—a classic case of supply spurring more and more demand—and simultaneously a cause of it: greater demand spurring a still greater supply.

And now that we have the syntax straightened out… Well, duh.

2. “[T]he current percentage of males in their early 30s who are still single has risen to 49%. One of the reasons for this increase may be that now men can obtain sexual pleasure without marriage. So this demographic has been enabled by the evolution and increased sales of these adult goods.”

In a nutshell: Japanese men have discovered the means to achieve powerful, hands-free orgasms without having to sweat through four hours of female conversation. Instead of dressing up and shelling out for a dinner and a show and yet still facing an outcome that will remain in doubt until the end of the date, they can now stay home, forego the shower, and experience a guaranteed happy ending. Or endings, plural, if they’re up to it.

And guess what? They want more and more of that. Duh.

At this stage, however, the wily Morinaga throws us a curve. He leaps out of his comfortable rut of obviousness and whups us upside the head with this rumination:

“[W]e may very well be on the road to national decline…”

Ah. Yes. National decline. So there is a downside to the whole sex toys boom.

As you may have heard, Japan is suffering from an aging society crisis that dwarfs similar trends in North American or Europe. It is constantly straining and threatening to break our social security system, and it is to this phenomenon, I am sure, that Prof. Morinaga refers.

To some extent our aging society is the result of a generation of pensioners who stubbornly refuse to die, or, in some notorious cases, agree to die but insist on continuing to collect their pensions anyway.

However, the blame is more frequently placed on a younger generation that refuses to marry and/or reproduce. The bulk of the guilt is heaped upon young women because, well, that’s just the sort of society that we have here. The new generation of marriageable women—the ones I spent the 90s and early 00s teaching and ogling at NU--insist on pursuing careers, supporting themselves, taking up sports and other wholesome hobbies, broadening their perspectives through overseas trips, and trying in vain to whip Japanese men into shape. Bad, bad, selfish Japanese women!

But I’m here to tell you that Japanese men are doing more than their bit to keep the birth rate down. Game obsessed, fashion challenged, and pasty-skinned, young Japanese men bring to the prospect of getting laid the same work ethic that they apply to acquiring fluency in English or securing a full-time job—an attitude best summarized as, “Sure, I’d love to. Well, if it’s not too much trouble.”

Even before the popularization of male-oriented sex toys, having sexual contact with a certain subspecies of Japanese chick has never been “too much trouble” for Japanese men, owing to Japan’s legal and relatively safe sex industry that I have so intrepidly reported on. The only problem with those sex shops is the expense, which can be daunting to someone who has failed to secure full-time employment. Sex toys, in contrast, are eminently affordable—and online orderable to boot.

This brings us rather neatly to the rest of Morinaga’s trenchant thought:

“…But this is the reality, and it might actually develop into one of Japan’s strengths. This country boasts the capability to come up with all sorts of products, such as machines that emulate complex movements, or dolls with skin having the tactile sensation of real humans.

“Perhaps in the near future, the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry (METI) might even consider designating adult goods as products for strategic growth.”


Well, why not. Thailand has more or less thrived for decades with an economy almost entirely based on the production of attractive young women and men for obese German tourists to ejaculate into. They aren’t even particularly ashamed to admit as much anymore.* The prospect of a Japan that survives on the export of sex toys for men by the mid-2020s is by comparison downright wholesome.

And Official Tester sounds like just the sort of post-retirement sinecure that I could sink my teeth into. Yes, you won’t find me living out my days latched onto the withered National Pension teat. I’ll die with my boots on, and maybe nothing else, perhaps a few cubicles down the row from Professor Morinaga himself.




* The Thais, I mean. The obese Germans are presumably more circumspect.