Josh Muggins's Blah Blah Blah


August 8, 2010

Live! Nude! Girls!

The always delightful Mika Tan

I like pornography, as regular readers may have gathered by now. And it being August, when the synapses don’t so much fire as flicker, and what with me having promised more salacious content after a series of tame posts, I thought I might treat you to a brief listing of my five favorite porn performers.

I’m not going to attempt a ranking here and risk offending any of these hardworking young women: the order is random.

Lacey Tom

According to the sole reliable-seeming bio that I could dredge up, the entire career of this petite and stereotypically industrious Korean-American coincided with the Major League Baseball season of 2004 (postseason included)—which sort of explains why she brings exactly the same dimensions, complexion, and hairstyle to every one of her 53 performances.

Yes, that’s right: 53 performances packed into a career that lasted all of six months. Lacey had a better 2004 season than A-Rod, presumably without resorting to steroids. I first encountered her in Asian Mouth Club 1, which remains my favorite scene of her oeuvre. In this slow-simmering POV escapade, Lacey gradually and politely seduces the hairy-gutted camera-wielding doofus into a series of acts of languid debauchery.

A close second is Ty Endicott’s Let’s Make a Porno, another unhurried POV piece in which the cameraman (presumably Ty) persuades Lacey to help him with the adult film project that he must soon complete to satisfy his university’s graduation requirements. (“It’s a very progressive school,” he explains when Lacey questions this premise.) “I like helping people,” she says, and then proceeds to make good on that. (Also recommended: Jail House Girls and AZN Super Stars 2.)

One likes to believe that such a caring young woman has reaped just rewards in her post-porn life for all the joy that she has given us, that she now sucks the marrow out of life with the same gusto that she once sucked the jism out of Ty Endicott. Ominously, though, that quasi-reliable website notes that she “retir[ed] porn to be Steven Seigals [sic] personal assistant.” Eek! If the spelling-challenged author means to say Steven Seagal…well, that doesn’t bode well for Lacey, given the doughy action star’s track record with Asian-American assistants… Let us pray for this fine young lady.


I mean, what’s not to like about a busty, pint-sized Filipina-American who entered the adult film industry after a discharge from the US Air Force for “sleeping with girls”?

The first time I had a little touch of Loni in the night came in the form of P.O.Verted 2, another scene with a pokey build-up in which the protagonist (Loni) lures a male stranger into her car with the aim of extracting gas money from him. Let’s just say that the negotiations gradually escalate, and more than the tank gets filled.

Also recommended: Loni puts her Air Force training as a medical assistant to good use in Young Asian Nurses #1, and brings out the best in her self-effacing male costar (Loni: “That’s a lot of cum.” Costar: “No, it’s not that much.”) in Paste My Face 3. And I’m going to chuck Limelight Girls #2 into the mix as well, even though this is essentially a Kimmy Kahn scene in which Loni functions largely as a facilitator—but oh, what pleasant facilitatin’! There is also a substantial body of strap-on dildo work* available, but these scenes are perhaps only for Loni completists.

Mika Tan

I give you the sole bona fide celebrity in my list, the only one with a full-fledged Wikipedia page devoted to her—and one nearly as long as Steven Seagal’s at that. Wikipedia informs us that Mika, now thirty-two, was born in Hawaii and boasts a rich mixture of Asian heritages; that she possesses degrees in biochemistry and psychology; that she has studied classical voice and attended the same finishing school that graduated Grace Kelly and Jacqueline Kennedy; that she sold timeshares before finding her true calling; that her first marriage ended badly when her husband couldn’t deal with her scenes with other male performers, a la William H. Macy in Boogie Nights.

"For the record, I do not consider myself a porn star and any girl who has done less than 250 films shouldn't either,” Mika is quoted as saying by Wikipedia (She prefers the much more wholesome label "fetish model"), which helpfully adds later in the same paragraph:

As of December 2007, Tan had done over 1,350 fetish and hardcore scenes for video and the internet.

A very complicated individual, this Mika Tan.

For all that, I dare aver that Mika’s scene in Before They Were Stars #1 just might be the greatest half hour of what that old coot in Emmanuelle called “l’eroticisme” ever committed to film. Also in my collection: The Oral Adventures of Craven Moorehead #12 and Young Asian Nurses #1.

Part of what sets Mika apart from other porn stars—er, fetish models—is a quality that I will call theoretical accessibility. For Mika now makes herself available at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel outside Las Vegas.

I call this “theoretical" accessibility because, well, think about it. Think about the obstacles that stand between you and your goal, if that goal is to stage your very own personal scene with Mika Tan.

1. You have to get to Las Vegas, rent a car, and find the Moonlite Bunny Ranch.

2. You have to be lucky enough to arrive on a day when (a) she’s working, and (b) she’s not already booked solid.

3. You have to pay an exorbitant fee.

4. You almost certainly have to submit to even more restrictions on your behavior than would apply during a lap dance.

Unless I acquire a terminal illness at around the same time as the Make-a-Wish Foundation suddenly expands its mandate to include creepy middle-aged men as well as children, I’m saying that Mika’s availability is theoretical. Still, it’s a nice thing to think about as you lull yourself to sleep at night.

Reiko Yamaguchi

Well, we’ve had three American performers of various Asian heritages, but something still seems missing. Is the author of How To Pick Up Japanese Chicks And Doom Your Immortal Soul actually going to round off this list without including a single Japanese chick, the reader may well wonder.

Well, I tell you: There are two problems with Japanese porn. The first and most salient is that it is often too mean and too gynecological. The second, which perhaps is an outgrowth of the first, is that the vast majority of female performers don’t last long enough to attain stardom. The typical performer in Japanese porn is a college girl trying to earn just enough for a trip to Paris so as to lay in some Louis Vuitton bags and then get out of the biz before any of her gamier male classmates ID her. These girls are in and out of porn in a matter of weeks. They make Lacey Tom’s career seem like Nolan Ryan’s.

Reiko is one of the few who has crossed the pond to work in California with some kinder and gentler American costars, and for that she has our gratitude. She carries no fewer than five scenes in Japanese Erotica File #7 alone. Two of these don’t really register with me, as they involve peeing or masturbation, but that still leaves three solid pieces, each an exquisitely carved gem of American-dude-on-Japanese-chick sensuousness.

In Japanese Boing Boings, she brings her costar to a vigorous meltdown without contact with her vagina, mouth, or hands. I trust you can figure out what that leaves. The title also offers a hint.

Ashlynn Brooke

This is admittedly an odd pick for me to make, as Ashlynn has one obvious feature that I generally can’t abide in a woman. And no, I’m not referring to her Caucasitude. I’m talking about breast implants.

While we’re on the subject, let me say that I deeply resent the implication that I’m somehow prejudiced against white women. I can look any of you right in the eye and assure you that I have done a good deal of my most spirited and satisfying masturbating to images of Caucasian women, and Ashlynn Brooke is a case in point. Well, maybe not right in the eye.

And oh, what a Caucasian! A blonde Oklahoman. I don’t think they come any whiter than this.

And a fairly creditable actress, besides, IMHO. I first came across her in Huge Boobs Galore #5, in which I found her utterly believable as a naïf who chances across a male porn performer and cameraman during a stroll across campus and is duped into performing sex acts in her dorm room in exchange for trinkets. Then again, when it comes to porn, I can suspend disbelief at the drop of a high heel. It is in this scene that I first heard Ashlynn utter her signature line: “God, I love your cock.” Sure, she says that to all the boys, but they don’t seem to mind, and neither should you.

Also recommended: On the Road: South Beach #1. This scene has been on my computer for over a week now and I still haven’t lasted more than halfway through it.

Wow, that was the easiest post I’ve ever written. I can’t say “the fastest” because I had to take several breaks; still, the time just flew by, and I got a good cardiovascular workout as well. Some posts just seem to write themselves.

* Did you check out that link? Do you realize that strap-on dildos have their own Wikipedia page now, while I still don't have one? Oh, what a world, what a world...