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February 5, 2015

A Porn of My Own: In Praise of OGYL!




"Damn wood nymphs! Get off my lawn!!"


I once wrote at excruciating length of my quest, as a college student in Mankato, to discover a fetish that I could claim as my own. (Spoiler alert: It turned out to be bra-sniffing. Laugh all you want—bra-sniffing was cutting edge back in '75.) More recently, I have filled my idle hours in search of a porn niche that I can claim as my own.

While acknowledging some liberties with the phrase “my own”—I hardly have the resources to craft a new porn niche even if I had an idea for one, you know—I have recently settled on Old Guy Young Lady porn as my ejaculatory turf. Yeah, I know: you would think I’d go with “Japanese.” But it was getting a bit crowded in there, and nobody likes a crowded place, especially one where a lot of ejaculating is constantly going on.

OGYL porn (pronounced “Oh-Jill,” I have decreed, as self-anointed Old-Guy-Young-Lady-Porn Commissioner for Life) may not be my private reserve, but it seems reasonably underpopulated—for now. So far as my admittedly limited research has been able to discern, the genre is dominated by just two sites: Sweden’s Oldje.com (motto: “Real kisses and swallows!”) and Beauty and the Senior.

Now, the appeal of this genre to almost-sixty-year-old me should be obvious. At a certain age, conventional porn, god bless its gooey soul, becomes increasingly hard to empathize with for two huge reasons: (a) the preposterousness for someone like me of the scenarios for meeting willing females (e.g., sister’s hot friend here for a sleepover catches me masturbating and stages an intervention), and (b) the increasing difficulty of projecting myself over a protagonist portrayed by, say, an in-his-prime Lee Stone (aka “Old Elbow-Cock”). A good OGYL scene resolves at least one of these issues.

Indeed, the typical hero of an Oldje opus instills in me a sense of giddy optimism heretofore unknown in my porn-watching career. “If that geezer can pull that off,” I think to myself, “then why, oh why can’t I?”

Eager to please, Oldje.com actively encourages this delusion. They link to what purports to be an agency recruiting men fifty-five and older to be participants in their films. The copy reads:

Do you have the skills to become and Oldje.com actor?
Consider the following requirements:
You are 55 years old or older
You like adventure and young beauties...

I had to withdraw right there, being one who loathes adventure, but if it sounds right for you, dear reader, knock yourself out.

Personally, I think your odds of success are slight. Then again, I don’t know you. But, while most of the male participants in these Oldje projects certainly do seem to meet the age qualification and then some, not a few are also uncommonly buff—especially when you consider that they live in a region where the climate permits vigorous outdoor activity only about six days per decade. And even the properly lumpy ones among them seem to feel uncommonly at home on a porn shoot.

My suspicion is that most of these gentlemen are pro stunt cocks from the pre-video days of Swedish porn who got dragged out of a quiet retirement rather like Rambo or Sean Connery in any number of Eighties actioners:

Porn entrepreneur: Sven! It sure was hard to track you down at this monastery!

Sven: Yeah? (Ignoring visitor, blithely goes back to repairing the roof of the chicken coop.)

Porn entrepreneur: Sven, I’m here because we need you to come back. Back to Swedish porn.

Sven: I left all that behind. A long time ago…

Porn entrepreneur: But the industry needs you, Sven! There’s a whole new genre now for the baby boomers who like to project themselves into a scene with a nubile Viking princess! To make it work, they need an actor even more decrepit than themselves!

Sven: I told you, I left all that behind. Everything’s quiet here. I have my morning porridge, my sutras, my honest labors… Why don’t you go bother Bjorn?

Porn entrepreneur: We did go to Bjorn! He was seized by three Finnish coeds who are holed up with him in a sauna.

Sven: (Abruptly stops pounding nails) Listen, Lars. Just tell me one thing.

Porn entrepreneur: What’s that?

Sven: If I do this thing… If I come back to porn… Are they gonna let us win this time?

Porn entrepreneur:

Sven: ARE THEY GONNA LET US WIN THIS TIME???

Porn entrepreneur: Sven, I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. We just want you to bone some hot Nordic teens, for heaven’s sake.

Beyond the obvious relatability factor, another appeal of OGYL is the gosh-darned wholesomeness and adorability of it. Here is a porn genre that (one would like to dream) can at last unite porn-hating paleo-feminists and porn-loathing Christianists in an orgy of head-cocking and involuntary smiling and the purring in unison of “Awwww, that’s so cute!” Poor little old fella just wants to get in some firewood and then he gets stuck and...

It's like all those YouTubes of kittens fighting their way out of tissue boxes, only with tits--and what sort of ungodly curmudgeon could possibly denounce that? If you’re tired of porn with rapey or exploitative overtones, here is your quiet oasis, your antidote to all that. I offer as proof my personal Top Three:


#3: “The Woodcutter Fucks Two Girls”

We open on a shirtless woodcutter lethargically cutting wood in a clearing, shirtless because his furry body precludes the need for a shirt even up here in Sweden. Two wood-nymphs emerge from the trees on opposite sides of him (screencap above), and the following dialogue ensues.

Woodcutter: Something wrong? Do you want something from me?

Wood Nymph 1: I want to fuck with you.

Wood Nymph 2: Me too.

Funny what a difference an errant preposition can make. The English-speaking viewer-—especially one like me who makes a living correcting such usage errors-—is suddenly braced for a scene in which the nymphs get the woodcutter’s pants off and then take turns viciously kicking him in the pruny nutsack until his wizened brain matter oozes out his nostrils.

Fortunately for all concerned, that is not how the scene plays out, though for the record, “Me too” does constitute the end of the dialogue, and I can understand why. Once you get much past fifty, you can either maintain a boner or spout memorized lines—not both. No longer burdened by the latter task, the woodcutter is free to devote his energies to the boner maintenance.

And what a boner! I must say that the woodcutter has one of the more attractive cocks that I’ve seen in a long and illustrious porn-watching career. I would swap appendages with him in a heartbeat, notwithstanding the relative youthfulness and lack of mileage on my current model.

You’d think a title like “The Woodcutter Fucks Two Girls” would pretty much pre-empt any cries of “Spoiler alert!” but here is a spoiler for you anyway: The woodcutter actually only fucks one of the girls—though, to be fair, perhaps the title holds up in the longer version available on the paid site. On the linked version, the unfucked girl does her bit in the oral foreplay but thereafter mostly watches mutely and without emotion, as though she were attending a Cleveland Browns home game. Small-breasted lady that she is, she even outsources her jiggling to the woodcutter.

You are going to notice here the one major drawback to this series, which is the loud and annoying background music. I don’t like it either, but I’m guessing it’s less off-putting than the alternative, which would be a lot of abrupt gas expulsions and other types of old-man noise that I’m coming to know all too well.


#2: “I Want Your Ice Cream”

A roving ice cream vendor, apparently afflicted with Alzheimer’s, wanders out of his baseball stadium and into a forest that looks suspiciously familiar from Item #3 above. It is not a shirtless woodcutter that he stumbles upon in a clearing, as that would not give a porn scene much traction, but rather a bikini-clad Teutonic sunbather. This “dialogue” follows:

Ice Cream Man: You want chocolate ice cream?

Teutonic Sunbather: (shakes head)

Ice Cream Man: Vanilla?

Teutonic Sunbather: (shakes head)

Ice Cream Man: (Throws out flavors that sound made-up)

Teutonic Sunbather: (shakes head)

Ice Cream Man: (Exasperated) What do you want?

Teutonic Sunbather: (Points at his cock)

Ice Cream Man: (Nonplussed gasp)

There follows a slow-motion strip-tease by Teutonic Sunbather, which is at first tantalizing and then rather unnerving, as it threatens to eat up the clip’s entire 5.5-minute run.

Then, shortly before the halfway mark, before you can say “Well, that escalated quickly,” the old man is suddenly naked but for his visor and slumped in the beach chair getting languidly fellated.

This old man, he played three. Three minutes, that is, from the onset of shock-and-awe fellatio to the dribbly ejaculatory ending, and that’s probably about 2.5 minutes longer than I could have managed with this fiercely diabetic Teutonette.


#1: “Superb Teen Babe Suck and Fuck an Old Cock,” and if that title that doesn’t start your heart racing, I don’t want to know you.

The setting is a wooden footbridge across a stream in yet another enchanting outdoor setting. We open on a full minute of naked, passionate kissing, and then:

Superb Teen: And now?

Old guy: And now, I’ll show you to do…blowjob.

Superb Teen: (Genuinely delighted) Oh! Good!

The ensuing oral sex sequence is a satisfying one, but I can’t help imagining myself out for a stroll in the woods and needing to cross that footbridge. Damned awkward situation. What’s the etiquette? Do you try to step over them?

Superb Teen: And now?

Old guy: And now, I’ll show you how…to fuck me.

They cut away before Superb Teen can either endorse or veto the suggestion*, but it seems that the pro-blowjob stance she outlined earlier was sincere, as that is what they go back to after a few minutes of multipositional intercourse. The scene then concludes with the most precious little ejaculation you’ve ever seen.

As honorable mentions, I would cite “Sexy Blonde Teen Jennys Gives Head to a Senior” (one of the few where sounds of passion actually fight their way through the overwrought BGM) and “Teaching English,” another entry in that coveted sub-genre of English lessons that go horribly right. I’ve always been a sucker for that category.

Everyone, come on in and sit a spell, and welcome to my genre!







* I would say “pocket veto,” but Superb Teen remains delightfully devoid of pockets throughout the clip.