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September 18, 2013

One Tough Asian Chick






I suppose I’ve become one of the world’s leading male Caucasian authorities on Asian chicks, if only because most of the other claimants for some reason shrink from the supposed “stigma.” *

So I thought I might call a timeout from the prattle that usually clutters this blog to give a shout-out to my current number one favorite Asian chick on the planet. And just to be clear, the following post is aimed at the regular reader of this blog, that overripe sort of chap who first wended his way here via a search for “spartacus arena tits,” and not at people who, like, actually follow international news.

This is going to be a departure for me, as the Asian chicks I usually gush over are East Asian, of legal age, and not averse to showing a little skin in the warmer months. But you see, Malala Yousafzai is an exceptional young lady.

I should be straight with you, regular visitors to this site: Malala Yousafzai has not appeared topless in a single episode of Spartacus. A great many people know that, and in fact know much about Malala, but I’m guessing that you—typical visitor to this site—are quite at a loss, so I will herewith provide a Malala primer. By all means, compare Malala’s circumstances to your own masturbatic life. I know I have.

* In 1997, Malala put herself in a hole right from the get-go by foolishly being born a girl in Pakistan’s Swat Valley, just about the worst place in the world to be born a girl on the cusp of the twenty-first century. (Note to regular readers: We may suppose that she was, in fact, topless throughout the birth process, if that does anything for you.)

* "How dare the Taliban take away my basic right to education?" asks Malala in a 2008 speech at a press club in Peshawar attended by numerous reporters and at least one TV crew. She has just turned eleven. I’m guessing that this is a rhetorical question, though one that Taliban militants like Maulana Fazlullah, then busy enforcing a strict form of Sharia law (evidently you can also order your Sharia mild, like salsa) that entails blowing up girls’ schools, might be happy to answer. Fazlullah and friends have managed to blow up more than a hundred schools, and local law enforcement isn’t of much use. According to Wikipedia, “Bodies of beheaded policemen were being hung in town squares,” and you have to respect that. Have you ever tried to hang a guy with no head?

* The following January, Malala, still eleven, begins three months of blogging about her everyday life for the BBC, but conceals her identity with a fake name—what a wussie, eh? The period covers the closing of her own school by the Taliban. "Our annual exams are due after the vacations but this will only be possible if the Taliban allow girls to go to school. We were told to prepare certain chapters for the exam but I do not feel like studying,” she whines.

* In the following months, though this hardly seems possible, conditions in the Swat Valley deteriorate further, causing Malala’s family to flee their hometown and separate from one another. Even worse, she is subjected to a meeting with notorious State Department gasbag Richard Holbrooke. "Respected ambassador, if you can help us in our education, so please help us,” she implores. In response, Holbrooke selfishly dies.

* Following up on her BBC blog, somebody makes a documentary in which Malala makes such inflammatory remarks as "I'm really bored because I have no books to read,” flagrantly taunting the Taliban. The documentary causes her real name and face to be known, opening the door for her to receive various international accolades and awards. In 2012, now fifteen, she announces plans for the Malala Education Foundation, which will help poor girls go to school. For a while, the Taliban shrugs and basically says “Big hairy fairy,” and the Taliban are better versed than you would think on the topic of big hairy fairies

* …but as Malala’s influence grows, the Taliban can no longer sit around giving one another makeovers. They publish death threats in newspapers and shove the same under her door and, in perhaps the ultimate display of their inhumanity, start messing with her Facebook page. “When none of this worked, a Taliban spokesman says they were ‘forced’ to act,” explains Wikipedia. “In a meeting held in the summer of 2012, Taliban leaders unanimously agreed to kill her.” Well, sure, I guess we can all see how their hands were tied.

* Sure enough, in October of that year, a masked man boards Malala’s school bus and shoots her right through the brain, and I’m all out of snide comments.

* She is evacuated to the United Kingdom. Birmingham is the city doctors select for her treatment, fearing that she might not be able to adjust to living in a place that doesn’t suck. Less than a month after being shot through the brain, she is sitting up in bed. Of course.

* In 2013, Malala endures a five-hour surgery to piece her skull together and a cheerful letter from a senior Taliban official saying that he regrets that the shooting took place without admitting that it was a naughty thing to do: "Let's leave it to Allah almighty. He is the best judge." Hey, we both got a little crazy last year, right? You said some shit, then we did some shit… Let’s just put it behind us, what do you say, eh? Meanwhile, Malala goes back to school.

* So here’s the thing: In July, less than a year after being shot through the brain, Malala celebrates her Sweet Sixteenth birthday by standing up and addressing the goddam United Nations**, and being quite more comprehensible than Muammar Gaddafi, whose famous UN addresses took place pre-bullet-in-his-brain, in the process. Here, watch this video, or just read the excerpts below, whichever you think will give you more prodigious goosebumps:

"The terrorists thought they would change my aims and stop my ambitions, but nothing changed in my life except this: weakness, fear and hopelessness died. Strength, power and courage was born ... I am not against anyone, neither am I here to speak in terms of personal revenge against the Taliban or any other terrorist group. I'm here to speak up for the right of education for every child. I want education for the sons and daughters of the Taliban and all terrorists and extremists."

So…how did you spend your tween and early teen years?





* Did you check out that link? My god, do you remember back when Lena Chen was the shocking outlier in terms of female Asian-American sexual frankness? Those were the days…
Not surprisingly, this post left me rather cold—but then again, I suppose I’m not really in the target audience. (The target of it, perhaps, but that’s a different thing.) That said, I do think that “If my vagina had a guest book” must constitute the niftiest seven-word blog-post opening I’ve ever seen. I was momentarily in awe. Then I scrolled down to the bottom and found that this opening was the only part of the post that commenters found objectionable.

I just don’t understand young people today, I really don’t…



** Okay, the “Youth Assembly,” but still…