September 18, 2013
One Tough Asian Chick
I suppose I’ve become one of the world’s leading male Caucasian authorities on Asian chicks, if only because most of the other claimants for some reason shrink from the supposed “stigma.” *
So I thought I might call a timeout from the prattle that usually clutters
this blog to give a shout-out to my current number one favorite Asian chick
on the planet. And just to be clear, the following post is aimed at the
regular reader of this blog, that overripe sort of chap who first wended
his way here via a search for “spartacus arena tits,” and not at people who, like, actually follow international news.
This is going to be a departure for me, as the Asian chicks I usually gush over are East Asian, of legal age, and not averse to showing a little skin in the warmer months. But you see, Malala Yousafzai is an exceptional
I should be straight with you, regular visitors to this site: Malala Yousafzai
has not appeared topless in a single episode of Spartacus. A great many people know that, and in fact know much about Malala, but
I’m guessing that you—typical visitor to this site—are quite at a loss,
so I will herewith provide a Malala primer. By all means, compare Malala’s
circumstances to your own masturbatic life. I know I have.
* In 1997, Malala put herself in a hole right from the get-go by foolishly
being born a girl in Pakistan’s Swat Valley, just about the worst place
in the world to be born a girl on the cusp of the twenty-first century.
(Note to regular readers: We may suppose that she was, in fact, topless
throughout the birth process, if that does anything for you.)
* "How dare the Taliban take away my basic right to education?"
asks Malala in a 2008 speech at a press club in Peshawar attended by numerous
reporters and at least one TV crew. She has just turned eleven. I’m guessing
that this is a rhetorical question, though one that Taliban militants like
Maulana Fazlullah, then busy enforcing a strict form of Sharia law (evidently
you can also order your Sharia mild, like salsa) that entails blowing up
girls’ schools, might be happy to answer. Fazlullah and friends have managed
to blow up more than a hundred schools, and local law enforcement isn’t
of much use. According to Wikipedia, “Bodies of beheaded policemen were
being hung in town squares,” and you have to respect that. Have you ever
tried to hang a guy with no head?
* The following January, Malala, still eleven, begins three months of blogging
about her everyday life for the BBC, but conceals her identity with a fake
name—what a wussie, eh? The period covers the closing of her own school
by the Taliban. "Our annual exams are due after the vacations but
this will only be possible if the Taliban allow girls to go to school.
We were told to prepare certain chapters for the exam but I do not feel
like studying,” she whines.
* In the following months, though this hardly seems possible, conditions
in the Swat Valley deteriorate further, causing Malala’s family to flee
their hometown and separate from one another. Even worse, she is subjected
to a meeting with notorious State Department gasbag Richard Holbrooke.
"Respected ambassador, if you can help us in our education, so please
help us,” she implores. In response, Holbrooke selfishly dies.
* Following up on her BBC blog, somebody makes a documentary in which Malala
makes such inflammatory remarks as "I'm really bored because I have
no books to read,” flagrantly taunting the Taliban. The documentary causes
her real name and face to be known, opening the door for her to receive
various international accolades and awards. In 2012, now fifteen, she announces
plans for the Malala Education Foundation, which will help poor girls go
to school. For a while, the Taliban shrugs and basically says “Big hairy
fairy,” and the Taliban are better versed than you would think on the topic
of big hairy fairies…
* …but as Malala’s influence grows, the Taliban can no longer sit around
giving one another makeovers. They publish death threats in newspapers
and shove the same under her door and, in perhaps the ultimate display
of their inhumanity, start messing with her Facebook page. “When none of
this worked, a Taliban spokesman says they were ‘forced’ to act,” explains
Wikipedia. “In a meeting held in the summer of 2012, Taliban leaders unanimously
agreed to kill her.” Well, sure, I guess we can all see how their hands
* Sure enough, in October of that year, a masked man boards Malala’s school
bus and shoots her right through the brain, and I’m all out of snide comments.
* She is evacuated to the United Kingdom. Birmingham is the city doctors
select for her treatment, fearing that she might not be able to adjust
to living in a place that doesn’t suck. Less than a month after being shot
through the brain, she is sitting up in bed. Of course.
* In 2013, Malala endures a five-hour surgery to piece her skull together
and a cheerful letter from a senior Taliban official saying that he regrets
that the shooting took place without admitting that it was a naughty thing
to do: "Let's leave it to Allah almighty. He is the best judge."
Hey, we both got a little crazy last year, right? You said some shit, then
we did some shit… Let’s just put it behind us, what do you say, eh? Meanwhile, Malala goes back to school.
* So here’s the thing: In July, less than a year after being shot through
the brain, Malala celebrates her Sweet Sixteenth birthday by standing up
and addressing the goddam United Nations**, and being quite more comprehensible than Muammar Gaddafi, whose famous UN addresses took place pre-bullet-in-his-brain, in the process. Here, watch this video, or just read the excerpts below, whichever you think will give you more
"The terrorists thought they would change my aims and stop my ambitions, but nothing changed in my life except this: weakness, fear and hopelessness died. Strength, power and courage was born ... I am not against anyone, neither am I here to speak in terms of personal revenge against the Taliban or any other terrorist group. I'm here to speak up for the right of education for every child. I want education for the sons and daughters of the Taliban and all terrorists and extremists."
So…how did you spend your tween and early teen years?
| * Did you check out that link? My god, do you remember back when Lena Chen
was the shocking outlier in terms of female Asian-American sexual frankness?
Those were the days…
Not surprisingly, this post left me rather cold—but then again, I suppose I’m not really in the target audience. (The target of it, perhaps, but that’s a different thing.) That said, I do think that “If my vagina had a guest book” must constitute the niftiest seven-word blog-post opening I’ve ever seen. I was momentarily in awe. Then I scrolled down to the bottom and found that this opening was the only part of the post that commenters found objectionable.
I just don’t understand young people today, I really don’t…
|** Okay, the “Youth Assembly,” but still…