||What the opening theme sounds like
||What it conveys
waaaaahhhhhhhhh (with extra dropped-silverware goodness)—and that’s it!
|Title falling from a black sky
||Impending airsickness, disorientation
||Effective mood-setter, and gets itself out of the way in roughly the time
it takes me to ejaculate after penetration. A-
||Weeer-wahh, warrr-waaaww, weeer-wahhh, woo-wahh??? Etc.
||A fleetingly glimpsed, intense Dexter seemingly slaughtering twelve dastards
twelve different ways, but in fact just going through his morning routine.
||Playful menace for about a season and a half. After that, it’s just, Oh, there’s good ol’ Dexter again, squishin’ his damn breakfast fruit.
||A- for Season 1, then ever diminishing returns. I think they needed to
pull a mind-scramble around Season 3 or 4-- a la the way Dick Van Dyke
finally evolved the skill to circumvent his living-room ottoman-—by having
Dexter actually mashing a guy’s brains out with the grapefruit juicer around
Season 4. That would have been way cool.
||The Band circa 1971 tuning their instruments on LSD. (Substitute Mumford
& Sons and Ecstasy if you’re too young to know who The Band was.)
||Lots of mud, ill-fated livestock, and mud-caked tits
||“This is not going to end well, but at least there’ll be tits.”
||Overstays its welcome a bit, despite sideboob shot. C+
||Verrr-dunt, verr-dunt, verr-dunt, verr-dunt, verr-dunt, verr-dunt, verr-dunt,
verr-dunt, verrrrrrrrrrr… Etc.
||Man-shaped Wile-E-Coyote-like silhouette slowly plummeting
||“This show is really going to depress you, and since it’s on AMC, there won’t even be tits to break the monotony.”
||Ironically, a prime example of truth in advertising to represent a show
that reminds us that advertising is BS. B
|Game of Thrones
||Chun-chuh-chah-CHAHHH, chun-chuh-chah-CHAHHH, chun-chuh-chah-CHAHHH, CHAAAAAAAANNNNN… Etc.
||Perpetually mesmerizing graphics of cities rising up behind the names of actresses that you can half expect to see naked tonight.
||“We’re starting the theme song halfway through because we’re starting the story halfway through. You getting all these cities’ names? Because there’ll be a quiz.”
||Perhaps inflated by the remarkably consistent quality of the show itself,
this stirring cri de guerre's grade is A-.
||A compendium of things that you don’t want to have to listen to: avant-garde
jazz trumpeting, the Gipper’s voice, an unstrung lady, etc.
||A compendium of things you don’t want to have to see: 9-11 in New York, women in burqas, Bill Clinton
||“You’re about to watch a program in which the most sympathetic character is soooo nougatty-naggatty nutty that this is what her typical dream feels like.”
||Accurate mood-setter but off-putting nonetheless. B-
|The Walking Dead
||Nuh-NUH-na-NUH-na! (BLAT!), Nuh-NUH-na-NUH-na! (BLAT!), Nuh-NUH-na-NUH-na!
||Fleeting, blurry images of desolation from a cameraman about to be reduced to a roadside heap of bloody laundry.
||“Whaaaat? Jesus! Get away from—What? Huh? These things!! That one looks like—Oh god! More! More! Oh shit! Oh crap! Mooooommy!”
||This panicky, neurotic kid brother of the Game of Thrones opener sets the gold standard: A+
|Floating bottles of bootleg whiskey and Steve Buscemi looking remarkably
constipated for an anorexic.
||“Did you know that they had thrash-metal guitar music in the 1920s? I shit you not, bro!”
||Was the Laverne & Shirley theme really all that bad? I honestly don’t recall it. All I’m getting
is “schlemiel, schlemazzel.” But this mess, oh, this will stick with me
BUM-BA-BA-BEH! (Aaaaand we’re good to go!)
|Title slide, spattered with gore.
||“We’ve got tits galore and refreshing new forms of decapitation to show you, dadgum it, so let’s get to it already!”
||At 6 seconds, this makes the 11-second Lost theme seem like "MacArthur Park." A