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September 20, 2012

Ancient Tweets about Japanese Chicks





Random porn chick who looks remarkably like Keiko circa 2002.


In a post last spring, while reporting on a reunion sponsored by some of my former NU students, I mentioned the database that I maintain on all the individuals I have ever had in my classes. The rationale for creating such an incriminating document was precisely that sort of occasion: to help jog my memory when reunions or chance meetings with old students should occur.

This old Excel document (possibly version 2-point-something when I started out) also came in handy during that lone idyllic chunk of this ill-fated summer when I finally got around to drafting my latest memoir of my years teaching at NU. And, as I sit here thoroughly jet-lagged out from ten days on Kauai, with the start of fall semester jiggling ominously over my head like Ron Jeremy’s pre-orgasmic pecker, I can’t resist the temptation to squeeze out a post here simply by cannibalizing that database for you.

The main feature of each entry I made in the database was a comment about the student. The comment could focus on some outstanding physical characteristic or what Facebook insists on calling a “life event,” no doubt to distinguish them from events befalling a user prior to birth or after death.

For example, I don’t know what the fetching Keiko Omachi was up to before she was conceived, but I do know that, in the spring semester of her freshman year, she just barely scraped by with a 61 grade (60 being the passing cut-off), that she had “huge, ripe t” and that I thought of her as “blonde Barbie in dance club.” In the fall of the same year, her major life event no doubt was that she “dropped out to dance and fuck bf.”

Either of these comments by itself suffices bountifully to bring Keiko back into focus in that vast, featureless, Tatooine-like desert that is my fifty-six-year-old cortex. In combination, they not only let me see Keiko in my mind’s eye but also give me a decent chubby. After all, while she lasted in my class, Keiko consistently topped my “Top 10 Freshman Girls of 2002 That I Want to See Naked” list, an actual document, frequently updated in idle hours, about which I would occasionally emit press releases. And if that sounds reprehensible, know that, if Keiko had compiled a list of “Top 10 Teachers That I Want to See Naked,” I believe I would have featured prominently on it, based on the fact that she repeatedly tried to pull my pants off during a class party in my home that summer.*

(On that occasion, she also mixed me a literal-minded gin-and-tonic cocktail—half gin, half tonic—cleaned my refrigerator, and showed me her tits, or at least all breast tissue from the seventieth percentile upward. She was always generous with the uppermost quarter of her boobage. During class, whenever I would rip into her for tardiness or lack of effort, she would calmly, slowly lean forward and mash the things together with her forearms until I invariably fell silent or lapsed into gibberish.)

Keiko was only one of the more salient elements of the entering class of 2002 in the International Relations Department of NU. Below, I share with you the data on several of her classmates in the required freshman English class of that wondrous era whom I encountered for four ninety-minute lessons throughout the year.

Note that the names are altered for privacy. I have added a gender marker for those not familiar with Japanese names. I intend to expand on some of these characters in my upcoming book, Other People’s Daughters, so you should like, totally pre-order that sucker, or something.


Name M-F Spring-Fall grades Comment
Ishikawa, Kohei M 63-60 whining about small penis at party
Sato, Shinji M 83-75 Kohei I's partner in pencil-dicked sorrow

I wrote about these two chuckleheads and their confessions of inadequacy in the first chapter of HTPUJCADYIS. They were convinced that Japanese girls had the power to sense their supposedly inadequate penis size even though not a single girl had ever seen their penises.

Later, I showed them mine—a bonding experience that I was fated never to share with the aforementioned cleavage-flaunter and pants-puller-downer Keiko. I’m sorry to report that the experience left the boys scarred for life. I'm sure Keiko would have coped with the situation better.


Name M-F Spring-Fall grades Comment
Katayama, Chisako F 86-75 constantly running out of room to pee

Here’s a golden example of a comment that ought not to work, and yet brings the person back to my mind with crystal clarity. Chisako was a sidekick of Keiko’s, a member of the same amateur hip-hop dance troupe, who looked to be about thirteen years old. Thirty minutes into virtually every lesson, she would cry out, “Muggins! Toilet!” which, it seemed to me, was some sort of insult, akin to calling me a douchebag or a sack of shit, until I figured out that it was simply an urgent request.

When Keiko would deploy her cleavage to have her way with me, it was often Chisako who would draw my attention to it. “Muggins! Look! Look!” If the girl ever made a single utterance that was not followed by an exclamation point, I cannot recall it now.


Name M-F Spring-Fall grades Comment
Kimura, Maki F 86-71 offered to screw her when bf dumped her

Appearance-wise, let’s just say that Maki never once cracked the Top 10 Freshman Girls of 2002 That I Want to see Naked. She was, however, an immensely likable, heart-on-her-sleeve person of the type that one just yearns to help out in any way possible.

So, when she bemoaned to all present at a dinner party the fact that her much-ballyhooed relationship with an unknown young man had come to an end after lasting only a matter of weeks—perhaps without ever coming to sexual fruition—I stepped up with this offer. At forty-seven, I was still arrogant enough to think of this as taking one for the team rather than a consummation devoutly to be wished. I can’t honestly recall Maki’s reaction, but I guess the deed was never done. I would probably remember if it had.


Name M-F Spring-Fall grades Comment
Nomura, Naoto M 87-86 alleged to have huge boner

This may be the most sexist comment on this list in that Naoto obviously had much more to offer the world that a throbbing, veiny, purple-headed tool. Just look at his grades! And yet, despite the fact that no proof ever reached my eyes, his Berle-esque endowment remains the loan factoid about Naoto to live on in my memory.


Name M-F Spring-Fall grades Comment
Koike, Masako F 93-92 beneficiary of Naoki N's alleged huge pecker

Here’s someone who clearly knew Naoto’s mysterious member inside and out, as it were, and loudly mourned lack of access to it after he dumped her. This occurred at a Christmas party hosted by me. (The loud mourning, I mean; the dumping had taken place a week or so earlier.) She did not exactly say, “I miss having Naoto’s huge, snuffling hog rooting around in my narrow trough” but one got the gist as she continued to drink and kvetch and drink and kvetch. I gave her one of my antidepressants and an enormous cocktail, which led inexorably to a memorable photo of the two of us on the floor of my living room, Masako smiling contently with eyes closed and hugging a terrified-seeming me. Of course, I subsequently put the image on my website without asking her permission. That's just the way I rolled.

After some gallant knight from the rugby team escorted Masako home that night, I was left alone with Shinji and Kohei, whom I in turn terrified with trouser-monster tricks.


Name M-F Spring-Fall grades Comment
Sumikawa, Minako F 75-79 told her she was #4 on want-to-see-nude list

For most of the year, Minako was rendered invisible by all the brighter, shinier objects in her class. She was quiet, dressed demurely, did steady work in class, had a round and bland face with a subtle Mona Lisa smile, and finally, about seven months into the school year, caused me one day to suddenly think, “Say! I wonder what Minako looks like naked!”

As I mulled this idea in the privacy of my thoughts (and, pantsless, in the privacy of my office), I warmed to it more and more, until she debuted on the next release of The List in the four-spot. When she subsequently sent me an email (as part of compulsory homework), I took the opportunity to inform her of her ranking. I suppose she was nonplussed.


Name M-F Spring-Fall grades Comment
Nakajima, Ayako F 76-77 escalating flirtation led to bad movie date

It was “Gangs of New York,” quite the date movie, you've got to admit. Ayako had that short, chunky, curvy build that I never fail to find erotic; she spent the whole year unknowingly vying with Keiko for the top slot on the list.

Her insecurities had insecurities of their own, though, so nothing ever really happened between us. We were constantly cycling through periods of Ayako-initiated flirtation followed by my showing some interest, which would throw her into a panic, etc., etc. On more than one occasion, she called me after midnight just to bitch about her life for an hour or so until she got sleepy. I miss the Aughts, and I miss Ayako. Nobody calls me after midnight anymore unless someone has died.


Name M-F Spring-Fall grades Comment
Nonaka, Kiyoko F 82-80 No. 3 on want-to-see-naked list

The placement of Kiyoko so high on The List provoked the greatest amount of controversy among male classmates who were privy to my ranking. “She’s just average,” said these losers who should have counted themselves lucky had Kiyoko deigned to give them so much as a vigorous handshake.

They had a point, though. In retrospect, while there was nothing especially wrong with Kiyoko, there really wasn’t anything that outstanding about her, either—at least in the context of the embarrassment of riches that was NU in the 00’s. She was like the Jon Huntsman of the field. I can’t think of a single anecdote in which she was central. I remember her primarily as Ayako’s friend and confidant. Maybe I ranked her this high to score points with / light a fire under Ayako. I just don’t remember.


Name M-F Spring-Fall grades Comment
Suzuno, Atsumi F 94-94 made her spit up food with party jokes
Miyazawa, Ami F 81-73 held my hand at party; orchestra club
Yagi, Seiko F 84-81 had 30-yr-old fortune-telling bf
Suzuki, Yu F 83-87 lithe virgin beauty; Marie & Saki's club
Tomioka Yuko F 73-71 almost pees on carpet when she sees me
Funada Hikari F 88-88 had scheme that we all go stay in a cabin

Notice that I have selected only three male students out of the total of sixteen that I have commented upon. Moreover, the three males that I have selected were interesting primarily for their relationships with their own penises. The gender balance in the International Relations Department wasn’t quite that inspiring—it ran no more than two-to-one female. The fact that I opted to cite so many girls serves only as further proof, if proof be needed, that Walt Disney was full of shit when he famously said, “Girls are boring.” Disney never had Keiko Omachi make a cocktail for him.

Suck it, Disney.




* I'm afraid readers new to my work will think I'm callously bragging about my conquests when they see this and other comments yet to come in this post. For the record, I was forty-six to forty-seven years old in 2002; bald; moderately alcoholic; poorly groomed and clothed; poorly poor; carless; and only in slightly better physical condition than the average American male of my age, which is about as faint a bit of praise as anyone has ever been damned with. Why on earth Keiko and other gorgeous young Japanese ladies showered me with so much playful and affectionate attention is as much a mystery to me as it must be to the reader. Trust me on this.

That said... Heck yeah, I'm bragging.