Josh Muggins's Blah Blah Blah


June 2, 2012

Congratulations: You've Read this Whole Title!

Lesley-Ann Brandt (not naked): Yes, boys, you do get better results with the hyphen.

I’d like to start off by thanking readers for making May 2012 one of the most successful months to date in the history of this website. I’d like to, but can’t help wondering if "thank" is the right word, let alone "readers."

Here’s the thing. My server informs me that during the past month, I snagged:

884 unique visitors
1,112 visits
1,519 page views
8,972 hits
410.91MB bandwidth

…plus a couple thousand hits from identifiable robots and spiders that are not counted as visits. In short, we’re presumably talking cortex-sporting humans here. So far, all well and good.

I mean, really: compare those stats with May 2010, when the respective totals were 136, 196, 330, 1,249, and 21.96MB—roughly the haul of a decent weekend nowadays.

Surely the droves of listeners fleeing The Rush Limbaugh Program have begun washing up on my shores, as expected, and are pouring the same salivating devotion into my blog posts as they once did into the ramblings of their former guru. Or so I’d like to believe. And yet…

And yet, the server’s monthly report, in its own icy way, whispers to me, Don’t go there. The server says, for one thing, that some 96 percent of those thousand-odd humanoids stayed on the site for 30 seconds or less, leaving a paltry 41visitors who stayed long enough to actually read anything.

Moreover, the largest chunk of my visitors flocked not to the site's front page, where my freshest and ripest brain-farts are condensed, but beelined instead to old reliable Blog 50, aka a two-year-old post titled “Jupiter’s Nutsack Be Praised” detailing the splendid nudity and violence of the Starz Spartacus series. In May 2012, Blog 50 drew half again as many visitors as my front page, and that is par for the course over the last few years.

Adding insult to injury, the server’s report goes on to tell me that the following are the thirty most popular search terms that served to ferry those thousand-plus humans to my site in May 2012:

1. spartacus
2. spartacus women
3. scarlett johannson nude
4. ashley judd naked
5. spartacus tits
6. scott helvenston
7. katrina law hot
8. dothraki
9. joffrey baratheon
10. spartacus blood and sand tits
11. katrina law naked
12. spartacus actresses
13. viva bianca hot
14. dothraki sword
15. viva bianca naked
16. viva bianca
17. viva bianca sex
18. lesley ann brandt
19. lesley-ann brandt
20. scarlett johannson buttocks
21. lucy lawless tits
22. viva bianca tits
23. spartacus cock
24. lesley-ann brandt nude
25. katrina law
26. verys
27. http //
28. spartacus blood and sand sexzenen
29. rolling fella bomber
30. spartacus females

Yes, that’s right: twenty of the top thirty search terms were either for Spartacus itself, for actresses who have bared their bosoms in Spartacus, or for random Spartacus-related body parts. Most of the remaining ten were split between Game of Thrones and non-Spartacus actresses known primarily for baring their bosoms.

I can scrounge some pleasure from the fact that a search including my name beat the formidable Rolling Fella Bomber by two slots. But it's sort of a hollow victory when you consider that several of my actual fans are too dense to know that one can paste an address right into the browser without having to google it… And besides, I didn’t vanquish Rolling Fella Bomber after all if you add up the lesser-searched variations like “rolling fella” and “rolling bomber blowjob toy.”

Scroll way down into the high forties of the search-term ranking, and you finally encounter “josh muggings," nestled primly between “jennifer connelly nude” and, yes, “lesley-ann brandt naked.”

To get a glimpse into just how diverse and deviant my “audience” is, let’s slum our way through the searches at the very bottom of the list, those that were each conducted by one sole “reader.”

lacey tom steven seagal
xena tits
sex tits nipples
yeroon vosma tolorro!
cute bosoms
emmanuelle boxing
felatio with a woman other than your wife
powered by article dashboard beastiality movies free horse
sex big titis nippels
rathskeller mankata Minnesota
scarlett johansson tits getting squeezed
squid phynx
blahblah handjob
finger in the ass esquire survey 2012
topless bitch
martha stewart tits

Hard to know where to start here, but I suppose the saddest thing for me to ponder is that, despite all the competitors out there deliberately aiming to lure the type of person who googles “sex tits nipples,” the website “Josh Muggins’s Blah-Blah-Blah” ranked high enough to reel one such googler in. I shudder to think what the fellow seeking “squid phynx” was after—and whether or not he found it in these pages.

Still, some of these search terms actually brought back fond memories. The Lacey Tom piece was fun to write and even more fun—if a bit sticky*—to research. Ditto the Emmanuelle piece and the first of my reviews of Esquire’s sex surveys, all of which found their way into my free ebook still available for free right here, right now!

But if you are a typical visitor to this site, you will not check out the free ebook because you will not have read this far down the page. For you are a pantsless, pasty, nocturnal creature, slouching in the basement of one divorced parent or the other, who searched for lesley-ann brandt (with and without hyphen) and probably made it an image search to boot, and ended up at Blog 50, where you stayed just long enough to note that there is no nude image of Lesley-Ann there before clicking the back arrow. Perhaps you scrolled around just long enough to think, What are these odd markings taking up valuable internet space that might have been devoted to naked images of Lesley-Ann Brandt? I seem to remember something akin to them from high school... Ah, yes--words! Words, words, words. I wonder what they signify? The spiders and robots are no doubt more appreciative of my wit...

I guess you reap what you sow, after all. No one held a gun to my head when I composed not just the one but also a second post about the bosoms of Spartacus actresses, or “If I Were Commissioner of Pornography,” or “Here’s What I Think about Scarlett Johansson’s Naked Pictures” or a post actually titled “Live! Nude! Girls!” You live by the sleaze, you die by the sleaze.

And you know, I have nothing against pasty, pantsless cellar-dwellers, having been one myself at one point in life. It has always been my hope that my oversexed and underemployed visitors would come for the salacious titles and stay for the biting insights. Of course, for that to ever happen, I suppose I shall have to forego whining and actually churn out some insights. Or maybe just start doing requests.

Right, then: Coming soon to this space: My long-sought views on Martha Stewart’s tits. Oh, and dashboard beastiality movies free horse.


* That’s because I masturbated and ejaculated vigorously while looking at moving images of Lacey Tom having sex. Just to be clear.