Josh Muggins's Blah Blah Blah

Blog Archive
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Blog 145: May 4, 2015

More Cocks in our Media Diet? Sure, Why Not.

This just in: Josh likes dick...or at least doesn't mind it.

"So there’s this controversy brewing (because “brewing” is what controversies enjoy doing in their leisure time) over the imbalance of nudity on cable series, with Game of Thrones cited as the worst offender. ...”

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Blog 144: April 6, 2015

Oh Bill, for Heaven's Sake...

Josh is very, very disappointed in you, childhood hero Bill Cosby.

"In the years 1963 through 1966, when I was seven to ten years old, my life revolved to no small extent around the doings of two titanic heroes then at the peak of their powers: Sandy Koufax and Bill Cosby...."

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Blog 143: March 26, 2015

Naked on Campus in January: I Hate it When That Happens

Josh's finally scores in his decades-long quest for a faculty member even more whipped by Japanese college girls than he himself is, thus eliminating his last flimsy excuse to go on living.

"The year in web-surfing got off to a rollicking start with a gem of an item titled 'University lecturer found naked on campus in Tokyo.'...”

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Blog 142: March 7, 2015

Hey, Americans: Don't You Guys Touch Anymore?!

Oh, I don't know: something about making out with his late mother that segues into a polemic against Joe Biden and blah blah blah.

"Several years ago, I returned to the Muggins homestead in Mortonville, Illinois, Great Satan, whereupon my perpetually shrinking mother lurched at me for the traditional Hug of Greeting. ..."

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Blog 141: March 1, 2015

Did I Ever Tell You About the Time I Was a Sexually Exploited Teen?

The long and the short of it: Josh ejaculated into a British guy's mouth once.

"'I can’t tell if you’re an American disguised as a Frenchman or a Frenchman disguised as an American.'...”

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Blog 140: February 5, 2015

A Porn of My Own: In Praise of OGYL!

Here's that guide to videos of septuagenarian Swedes having sexual intercourse that you've so long been searching for.

"I once wrote at excruciating length of my quest, as a college student in Mankato, to discover a fetish that I could claim as my own..."

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Blog 139: January 3, 2015

2014: The Year in DIY Ejaculation

Josh shares a detailed accounting of the inspirations for his ejaculations throughout the past year because oh Jesus, I just give up, I really do, I've had enough of concocting these blurbs.

"My fellow Americans, 2014 was a year of unprecedented domestic political rancor, a year of revolting manmade disasters, a year of terrifying outbreaks of religious radicalism and deadly disease, and a year of just a god-awful lot of jizz flowing down the various drains in my apartment... "

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Blog 138: October 28, 2014

Does This Site Make Me Look Old and Out of It? It Does, Doesn’t It. What Do You Call This Thing, Anyway—a Blog or a Post or... Jesus Tits, I’m Old

Josh's argument that his mindset and habits are by no means dated might have resonated better had he not shifted into Aramaic halfway through.

"Just as I was feeling pretty smug technology-wise—I hooked up a new printer using Japanese instructions! I edited a new paperback that, when viewed peripherally while on Quaaludes, looks like the product of a real publisher! I exhibited the (seemingly rare) sense not to turn on Photo Stream after taking naked pictures of myself!—along comes this steaming buffalo chip from the Turd-binders from Way Back at Business Insider to harsh my mellow..."

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Blog 137: October 5, 2014

Hey There

Josh struggles to stave off the urge to foist upon readers his crusty old Caucazoidal thoughts about the Fappening, and that goes about as well as you might expect.

" I had great plans to write about The Fappening and was seven hundred words into an incisive, funny take on the topic in my unique idiom before coming to grips with the fact that my take was neither incisive nor funny...."

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Blog 136: September 22, 2014

Off-Season TV Review

In a nifty little feat of meta-drek, Josh pans wretched cable TV series with a series of wretched critiques.

"Reader, how have you been? And how have you been coping with the recent paucity of posts on this site, coinciding, as it has, with the off-seasons of The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones? ."

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Blog 135: August 21, 2014

Crazy Old Muttering White Dude

If you've ever wondered what a fifty-eight-year-old, essentially friendless, solo-dwelling memoirist babbles aloud when no once else is around--well, wonder no longer.

"Some time ago, I wrote a lengthy paean to my cock, which, I’m pleased to confirm, is also lengthy..."

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Blog 134: August 1, 2014

Hell Is Other Teachers

Josh's faculty colleagues circle him with daggers tucked into togas, awaiting an opening...and can you blame them?

"In the course of what passes for “research” for Other People’s Daughters, my upcoming memoir of my years on the faculty of N. University (aka “Nangaku”), I uncovered a reference to a forgotten meeting of the English Education Subgroup in the summer of 2005...."

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Blog 133: May 26, 2014

Why, oh Why, 2K??

Now senile as well as unfunny, Josh regurgitates the story of time freshmen invited him out drinking mere hours after his bloody colonoscopy and hilarity ensued and yada yada yada...

"Welcome to another heapin' helpin' of lefotver vittles judged unfit for human consumption and thus excised from my upcoming memoir...."

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Blog 132: May 7, 2014

Oh, Akiko, We Hardly Knew Ye

Josh once spent an evening playing with stuffed animals with a gorgeous Japanese college freshman, and he wants you to know about that.

"In this week’s installment of “Feed the Blog Beast,” I once again toss readers a bucket of slop deemed unsuitable for inclusion in the upcoming memoir about my years at Yokohama’s N University, where, for the better part of two decades, I successfully went through the motions of teaching English to the most beautiful women in the solar system...."

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Blog 131: April 28, 2014

A Brief Aside on the Rules of Courtship in a Japanese University

Josh reacts to a dispassionate, academic presentation of Japanese mating rituals with all the empathy and intellectual curiosity of Michele Bachmann attending OUTfest.

"As I noted last time, I'm abdicating my blog-composing duties for an indefinite period while continuing to slug it out at the Day Job and simultaneously wrapping up my latest memoir about my years on the faculty of NU in Yokohama, where every day was like judging a new episode of Japan's Next Top Model..."

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Blog 130: April 4, 2014

Hajime Goes Down

Josh relates an utterly charming and uproarious anecdote about the time he left one of his own students to die in a pool of his own vomit.

"I've been pretty dormant blog-wise in recent months--not that anyone has objected (sniff)..."

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Blog 129: March 25, 2014

Flashback! The Last Survivors of the Entering Class of ’95 Debate the Question:
“Why Are We Still Here?”

In this, the second part of a tetralogy of posts in which Josh self-plagiarizes his old jabs at decent, harmless students of English unable to defend themselves, Josh assembles four desperate lads for a "Lazy Bastard Roundtable."

"I spent the most fruitful and fun years of my English-teaching career at a place I have fake-named NU, “Nangaku” in Japanese, a private university in Yokohama...."

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Blog 128: February 17, 2014

And You Think Characters in MY Books are One-Dimensional

A student earnestly struggling to learn English from Josh a quarter of a century ago wrote the word "shit" on an essay by mistake and Josh still believes this is the funniest thing ever.

"We had a record-breaking snowstorm in Yokohama on February 7, and then another one on February 14, which must have made the February 7 storm feel rather like the Mark Maguire of record-breaking Japanese snowstorms..."

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Blog 127: February 2, 2014

Dateline: Mortonville

Josh morns the passing of his mother while somehow working in an anachronistic and yet pretty good "Peter North slumming in gay porn" joke, because Josh.

"I’m alone in the one-story ranch house in which I grew up..."

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Blog 126: January 26, 2014

The Four Stages of Sexual Death and Dying

Perhaps working on the assumption that the cheery title alone will not lure a sufficient number of readers, Josh spices up the post with pirated shots of Wilford Brimley smashing furniture.

"How does it feel to grow old?..."

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Blog 125: January 3, 2014

The Tao of Durl

In what may be some ludicrous attempt to channel Roy Blount, Jr.,, Josh launches this flaccid foray into redneck humor.

"Catching up on my Walking Dead recently, I couldn’t help ruminating on the quintessentially redneck name Darryl—or, as it is often pronounced in the South and Midwest, Durl..."

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Blog 124: October 1, 2013

6 Rationalizations for the Horrible Things I Do to the People that I Put in My Books

After a momentary insight into what a reprehensible human being he has become, Josh quickly recovers his loutish insensitivity.

"I read this article on Salon when it was published in August and it has haunted me since....."

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Blog 123: September 18, 2013

One Tough Asian Chick

The flaccid attempts at snark are aimed at the Taliban in what appears to be Josh's sincere tribute to the astonishing courage of Pakistani schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai.

"I suppose I’ve become one of the world’s leading male Caucasian authorities on Asian chicks, if only because most of the other claimants for some reason shrink from the supposed 'stigma.'.."

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Blog 122: August 28, 2013

Man’s Best College Roommate

Josh subjects us to this maudling reminiscence of a good-hearted, simpled-minded, floor-shitting ex-roommate who has since gone on to his reward.

"I lived with Bud for the 1977-78 academic year in a three-story house we shared with seven other blokes......"

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Blog 121: August 9, 2013

Midsummer Japanese Horror Story

Josh oversees a university seminar whose members feel unashamed to randomly exchange sex toys with one another, and wouldn't his ailing mother be delighted to know that, if it could be made comprehensible to her?

"I just came back from a sweaty overnight 'study trip' with eighteen of my junior and senior advisees......."

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Blog 120: August 2, 2013

Smelly Gaijin, Smelly Gaijin, What Are They Feeding You?

Josh sends 1,450 otherwise innocent English words to their senseless deaths in this soul-crushing treatise on why white people smell bad to the Japanese.

"The other day I arrived at my private office at school to find a petite and pretty Japanese chick sitting in it..”....."

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Blog 119: July 16, 2013

Five Jobs You Want a Tough Lesbian Handling for You

You know, it's really hard to speculate as to why Josh keeps grinding out posts like this one, which might feel more at home, and certainly benefit by comparison with its surroudnings, had it appeared in a particularly scuzzy Reddit thread.

"Janet Napolitano announced her resignation as Secretary of Homeland Security last week......"

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Blog 118: June 9, 2013

The Art of the Evocative Opening Theme Song

If you're fond of blog posts copiously padded with transcriptions of instrumental music (e.g. Chun-chuh-chah-CHAHHH), then this is your lucky day.

"The late Cleveland Amory once began a TV Guide review with: “Laverne & Shirley is shot before a live audience. We recommend the same for the composer of the show’s theme song.”......"

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Blog 117: May 5, 2013

I’m Dreaming of a White, Viscous, Gooey Ejaculation
(Rolling Fella Redux)

Thirsty for more page views, Josh goes back to the old reliable Rolling Fella Bomber well one more time and hauls up this bucket of sludge.

"So, Rolling Fella Bomber XI—or maybe XII, it is hard to keep track, they literally all look alike—expired the other day......"

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Blog 116: April 15, 2013

Four Ruminations on My Cock

Josh again types on and on, blissfully ignorant in his assumption that a good many people will willingly suffer through a few thousand words about his penis.

"Exceedingly late to the scene, I only recently started watching Season One of Hung, the HBO buddy drama about a huge, extroverted cock and the clueless high school basketball coach it deigns to drag around with it......"

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Blog 115: March 28, 2013

Young People Today, I Wanna Tell You

Josh somehow manages to drag Lena Dunham and her hit series Girls into a screed against today's finicky young masturbators who no longer give it up for "ordinary girls," and abandon all hope of coherence ye who click here..

"Here’s another Salon article about porn addiction that caught my eye a while back, about which I had resolved to write before I was waylaid by the siren call of Sex at Dawn....."

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Blog 114: March 5, 2013

Why I Love Sex at Dawn, Volume 3

Josh reluctantly acknowledges the downside of the sexual utopia described in Sex at Dawn., with an emphasis on the whole delicate ugly cousin issue.

"Previously in this series of jingly-jangly meditations on Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships, we looked in on the Matis people of Amazonia, who bring a sort of jury-duty approach to the practice of sex...."

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Blog 113: February 6, 2013

Why I Love Sex at Dawn, Volume 2

In a ruthless takedown of gibbon society, Josh introduces some of his favorite free-sexin' cultures as viewed through the Vaseline-coated lens that is Sex at Dawn.

"Last time out, I introduced you to my latest literary crush, Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha...."

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Blog 112: February 6, 2013

Why I LoveSex at Dawn, Volume 1

Josh essentially peeps from the safety of his apartment and fails to summon the cops while anthropologists Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha viciously have their way with the concept of Monogamy in a back alley.

"No good excuse for the long dry spell this blog has weathered...."

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Blog 111: January 3, 2013

Trials of the Tit-Havers: Some Thoughts on Reading Breasts: A Natural and Unnatural History

Josh reads a really hard bookabout one of the more notorious ladyparts, and learns that Scarlett Johansson is mostly made of stroma.

"Muggins completists—a species, much like zombie pandas, that very likely exists only in my imagination—know that I have touched before upon the unfairness of life with regard to tits..."

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Blog 110: November 3, 2012

Violentacrez: Quite the Character

Josh thoughtfully enumerates similarities between himself and exposed mega-troll Violentacrez, so that no one else will have to do it.

"You know how, like, on Fringe, when they show the doppelgangers of characters in the parallel universe, some of them are more or less the same as their “real world” counterparts while others, owing to the Cruel Hand of Fate or perhaps poor personal choices, are pathetic and doomed shadows of their cousins in our universe?...."

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Blog 109: October 22, 2012

Objectification now! Objectification forever!

Josh contemplates John Mayer's nipples, shares his favorite pre-ejaculatory utterance, and takes a bold stand in favor of the sexual objectification of others, so long as no one ever does it to him, for the love of God.

"So I was browsing Nerve again the other day and came upon the above, which I found endlessly fascinating...."

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Blog 108: October 9, 2012

Aw, for the Luvva Jupiter: Spartacus: Vengeance!

In full-on seventh-grade-boy-wielding-an-English-professor's-vocabulary mode, Josh breaks down the most recent season of the Starz series by its most memorable scenes, deaths, lines, and of course, tits.

" We love us some around here and all, especially their irresistible lists ("Eight Celebrity Crushes Ruined by Scientology," anyone?)...."

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Blog 107: September 20, 2012

Ancient Tweets about Japanese Chicks

Josh reminisces about showing his cock to nonplussed sophomore boys, among other Sandusky-esque incidents from the twilight of his teaching career at good old N. University.

" In a post last spring, while reporting on a reunion sponsored by some of my former NU students, I mentioned the database that I maintain on all the individuals I have ever had in my classes..."

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Blog 106: September 1, 2012

My Writing Summer

If you've yearned for a post that encompasses both Josh's writing process and a description of the inside of his colon, then your long national nightmare is over.

"Hey, remember back when Queen Elizabeth had a horrible anus?...."

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Blog 105: August 26, 2012

Nice Beat, but You Can’t Whack To It: A Visit to the Early Ron Jeremy Oeuvre Part II: The Hedgehog Strikes Back!

Josh somehow wrings another 2300 words out of a twenty-five-year-old piece of forgotten, pornographic ephemera.

"When we left off, ice cream parlor manager Ron Jeremy's penis had just spewed all over one of his waitresses (Renee Lovins) like a fraternity pledge after a beer pong tournament, after which he interviewed "Shelley," played by headliner Ali Moore..."

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Blog 104: August 3, 2012

The Dark Hog Rises! A Visit to the Early Ron Jeremy Oeuvre

Josh subjects readers to pretty much the same thing Ron Jeremy subjects his female costars to: a tedious, occasionally painful, overly long probing.

"Remember when American porn used to be fun? ...."

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Blog 103: July 1, 2012

The Joys of Coot-hood Await

Josh finally joins every single human familiar with his work in recognizing what a enfeebled, hopelessly clueless relic he has become.

"A few too many signs of personal decay around here for comfort these days...."

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Blog 102: June 17, 2012

Lying Memoirists and a Farewell to Arms

In supposedly the last of his hypocritical and universally ignored screeds against unethical "nonfiction" authors, Josh establishes a new standard for online tedium.

"If it’s been a while since I used this space to whine about dissembling brother memoirists, well, there are a couple of reasons for that. ...."

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Blog 101: June 2, 2012

Congratulations: You've Read this Whole Title!

Josh spares no effort to alientate his few remaining readers by elucidating the seedy search terms that bring them to this site.

"I’d like to start off by thanking readers for making May 2012 one of the most successful months to date in the history of this website...."

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Blog 100: May 20, 2012

Occupy the Seventies!

Rare video footage of the Rathskeller bar of Mankato somehow provokes Josh to tasteless and unnecessary mockery of the antiwar protest going on around it.

" Some time ago I used this space to publicly mourn the Rathskeller of Mankato, the greatest bar in this universe, rending my garments over the fact that I had only bothered to take one blurry photo of the place prior to its 1976 demise...."

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Blog 99: April 29, 2012

The Long, Slow Walk to Why Women Love Mad Men

Josh drags Alex Haley, Reggie Jackson, and toplessness in prime-time network programming into a tedious dissection of the popularity of Mad Men.

"My college friend Nielsen was a racist..."

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Blog 98: April 15, 2012

Sex and the American Man and the Two Japanese Chicks behind Me Right Now

As a sexually twisted generation of American men come of age, Josh contemplates how to restore the besieged blowjob to its proper place in the erotic pantheon.

"Lord knows we love us a fresh-squeezed sex survey around these parts, just as we love us dumb Esquire surveys on the tastes of American men..."

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Blog 97: March 22, 2012

A Few Words about Journals

Josh explores the stylings of fellow diarists R. Reagan, A. Warhol, and A. Bustamente (teenage murderess) to ascertain why he can't shake this lifelong habit.

"As announced a few posts ago, I’ve embarked on the writing of a new memoir on that time-honored subject, Japanese chicks..."

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Blog 96: March 11, 2012

Harmless Little Fuzzball

Josh brazenly confesses to a history of listening to and occasionally even enjoying the not-quite-brain-dead Nineties relic Rush Limbaugh.

"I’m trying to remember the last time I called anyone a slut...."

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Blog 95: March 2, 2012

I Feel a New Life Growing Inside Me

His first return to N. University since going into exile five years ago inspires Josh to commit to another book devoted the the ineffable wonderfulness of NU chicks.

"I spent last week on a most-expenses-paid junket to Hawaii with six girls from my university, all of them in the smoldering to smoking range...."

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Blog 94: February 19, 2012

In Praise of Male Porn Stars

There you are, minding your own business one night at a traditional Japanese inn, when twenty hot chicks saunter in, disrobe in front of you, and take turns spitting into your mouth.

"Some four years ago, a bunch of students descended on my apartment for a memorable party highlighted by copious consumption of Japanese shochu and pizza and the impromptu making of a four-minute horror movie in which the remarkably durable protagonist survived repeated attempts to kill him that grew ever more ludicrous as the shochu flowed..."

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Blog 93: February 5, 2012

Fat Fury Redux

An aggressively ugly but brilliant student forces Josh to recall the American Comics Group antihero Herbie Popnecker--not to mention his nemesis, Roderick Bump.

"Throughout the just concluded academic year here in Japan, I encountered on a twice weekly basis a college freshman who was aggressively, nay giddily ugly..."

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Blog 92: January 22, 2012

Things I Thought About While Proctoring an All-Day Test

The ghosts of TV Guide critic Cleveland Amory and reggae giant Bob Marley team up to coax Josh through a long day's journey into night.

"In this episode, I spend the whole of a bright and crisp Saturday working as a proctor at a testing center for the Sentaa Shiken, or 'Center Test.'..."

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Blog 91: January 3, 2012

Steven Seagal in the Springtime

News of a new reality show featuring the sluggish Nineties action star compels Josh to relive the many hours of his life spent absorbing the Seagal oeuvre.

"Just when you thought there was no reason to face a grim 2012—okay then, just when I thought there was no reason to face a grim 2012—comes, like the song of the meadowlark on an ash-gray New Year’s morn, word of a thing called Steven Seagal: Lawman..."

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Blog 90: December 18, 2011

If I Were Commissioner of Pornography

Josh takes a break from pathetically projecting himself into pornographic videos in order to pathetically project himself shogun of the whole pornographic world.

"Some time back, Amanda Marcotte over at Slate posted a startling rumination entitled 'Lady Problems: If Larry Flynt, Hugh Hefner, and Bob Guccione Hadn’t Had Personal Issues with Women, Would Today’s Porn Be Less Awful?'..."

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Blog 89: December 3, 2011

"I'm Just Not Feeling It This Year"

Josh whiningly compares his lot in life to that of a fictional Katrina survivor, begging yet again the question, "Is he an insensitive dolt, or merely a delusional one?"

"Say, remember that earthquake/tsunami/radiation soufflé that Fate whipped up for northeastern Japan some months back?..."

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Blog 88: November 20, 2011

I Molested a Coworker, Too

In order to bring the number of reasons why he could never, ever be considered for elective office in any sovereign nation in the world to an even 500, Josh uses the Herman Cain sexual harassment allegations as a jumping off point to another of his loony and pointless reminiscences.

"All this talk about Herman Cain running his hands under skirts and dragging women's heads toward his groin brings back memories of the days when I, too, used to inflict unwanted physical contact upon a certain female coworker …."

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Blog 87: October 29, 2011

Sex Quiz 2: The Reckoning

In Josh's virgin live chat, Gary gamely parries his taunts and japes after being narrowly edged by Josh in an online sex quiz, a triumph that in Josh's warped mind avenges Gary's selfish banging of Sybil while Josh was still dating her back in 1976.

"As you may recall, I shared my thoughts with you while going through a sex quiz in this very space a while back..."

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Blog 86: October 16, 2011

Talent Is Optional: Shimmering Polished Turds from This Very Site

After years of shilling unsuccessfully on behalf of his commercial books, Josh manages to stoop even lower by shilling on behalf of a free one.

"As you can see, we have launched a free ebook collection of some of the more diverting posts from this blog during its infamous Blue Period, 2008 to 2010 …."

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Blog 85: October 2, 2011

Sex Quiz Time!: October 2, 2011

An on-line sex quiz allows Josh to prove that he is every bit as incompetent in the theory of sex as he is in the practice of it.

"So there I sat in my lead-lined lair, stewing, stuck for a blog idea—what with Jennifer Love-Hewitt stubbornly refusing to let her PC be hacked—when not for the first or last time, I was rescued by the estimable Tracy Clark-Flory at Salon..."

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Blog 84: September 18, 2011

Here's What I Think About Scarlett Johansson's Naked Pictures

Josh exploits the humiliation of a privacy-loving and talented actress solely for the sake of luring more unsuspecting visitors to his site.

"Okay, so Mrs. Muggins and I get back from our Kauai getaway the other night. We part company, each to get on with his/her life in his/her respective segment of Japan—I in the urban east and she in the radiation-free rural west. I wake up early the next morning all refreshed and invigorated and rebooted and what have you, almost salivating to get cracking on the long to-do list, when all of a sudden I’m blindsided by the Daily Beast headline…."

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Blog 83: August 31, 2011

I'm Outta Here

This straightforward account of Josh's struggles prepping his manuscript for various ebook formats might be of interest to aspiring ebook writers--if only it didn't suck so bad.

"I hope you can forgive this perfunctory feed-the-beast post, but the thing is, I’ll be leaving on vacation tomorrow—unless mean old Typhoon #12 has other ideas*--and thus will not be able to post again until late September..."

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Blog 82: August 27, 2011

"You Don't Fight With Honor": Handicapping the Race for the White House via Game of Thrones

For once, Josh stumbles onto a truly clever concept--comparing Republican presidential hopefuls to lurid Game of Thrones characters--but characteristically blows it in the execution.

"My friends (as John McCain used to seethe), here’s the deal with Game of Thrones....."

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Blog 81: August 10, 2011

Now, That’s Just Not Appropriate

Setting out to write a light, comic piece about his favorite porn site, Josh ends up just ragging all over the shriveled carcass of poor old Raymond Burr again.

"So I was hanging out at Asian Porn Videos the other day, just minding my own business with my alter ego embedded in an undulating cylinder of polyurethane, when I noticed for the first time a link that allowed me to...."

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Blog 80: August 3, 2011

Do I Look Fat in This Blog?

After his annual checkup, Josh moans and groans at being declared borderline obese, while somehow managing to perv on Blake Lively and Winona Ryder in the process.

"I got the results of the annual June checkup about a week ago and learned that once again I teeter chubbily on the precipice of obesity...."

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Blog 79: July 10, 2011

Japanese Porn: A Midsummer Book Report

If you're the type of person whose day is just not complete without capsulized reviews of films with titles like "Japanese AV Model Nipples Sucked" or "Schoolgirl In Training Dress Giving Blowjob Getting Facial In The Locker Room," then this puppy here is right in your wheelhouse.

"I think it’s time to write about porn again, but rest assured...."

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Blog 78: June 26, 2011

...As the Proverbial Judge

In a rare moment of clarity, Josh acknowledges the suckiness of his own blogging, then turns around and passes it off as a temporary side effect of self-imposed sobriety.

"My name is Josh (“Hi, Josh!”), and I’ve been sober for twenty-five days now...."

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Blog 77: June 11, 2011

Three Months Later

In the midst of an entirely appropriate update of Japan's recovery from the March earthquake/tsunami disaster, Josh manages to shoehorn in a tedious screed on how the whole mess has impacted his day job.

"I suppose some would say that I owe Matt Drudge an apology......"

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Blog 76: May 29, 2011

Osama and Me

The weary reader can only hope that Josh's compendium of similarities between himself and the late Osama bin Laden will soon include a resting place at the bottom of the ocean.

"Here’s a thought experiment: If a crack team of Navy Seals breaches your home and fatally shoots you in the face, what embarrassing artifacts are they apt to discover?...."

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Blog 75: May 8, 2011

Gods of the Arena

Back to the old Sparatcus well again goes Josh in hopes of luring lonely fanboys to his site.

"The recently ended “Golden Week” run of early spring holidays afforded me an opportunity for long-postponed self-abusive behaviors, among which was the viewing of the six episodes of Spartacus: Gods of the Arena......"

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Blog 74: April 26, 2011

Remembrance of Video Rentals Past

This reminiscence of Josh's old neighborhood video store carries all the crackling excitement and giddy delight of a weekend outing with the whole Rick Santorum clan.

"People back in the Satan are astonished when I inform them that folks here in Japan still trek to video rental stores to get their weekend entertainment...."

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Blog 73: April 10, 2011

Tracy Clark-Flory: A Tribute

For the 3,744th time in the course of his wasted existence, Josh publicly professes adoration for a smart, confident woman in the vain hope that she will pay attention to him.

"Tracy Clark-Flory is the Ichiro of bloggers: prolific, tireless, and yet consistently exciting....."

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Blog 72: March 16 - 28, 2011

The Tsunami Diaries

Four posts composed during Japan's natural and nuclear calamities of March 2011 are compiled.

"You cant imagine how many times I started writing this, either on paper or in my head, only to have events trample whatever fundamental assumptions I was riffing on and force me to start over again....."

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Blog 71: March 6, 2011

Japanese Chicks in Paradise

Josh's university assigns him the task of chaperoning four female students on a week-long trip to Hawaii: what could possibly go wrong?

"In case anybody has overlooked this aspect of my bio, let me make it perfectly clear that I very much like Japanese chicks...."

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Blog 70: February 19, 2011

Josh Muggins Responds to Josh Muggins’s Review of Josh Muggins’s Wussie: In Praise of Spineless Men

Predictably, Josh has issues with Josh's review of Josh's book.

"One hardly knows where to begin a response to such a savage and unprovoked attack..."

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Blog 69: February 5, 2011

Review of Josh Muggins’s Wussie: In Praise of Spineless Men

By Josh Muggins

Josh reviews Josh's new book and gradually talks himself into giving it a grudging thumbs up.

"Well, folks, Josh Muggins has gone and done it again..."

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Blog 68: January 23, 2011

Adventures in Facebook

Josh belatedly gets around to exploring social media and "old acquaintance porn."

"My Rolling Fella Bomber (which I have affectionately dubbed “Old Reliable”) got a workout last weekend after I stumbled across some fetching Facebook pictures of young women I had known years ago at NU. ..."

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Blog 67: January 9, 2011

David Foster Wallace

Just in case DFW somehow manages to rise from the grave, Josh gives him ample reason to self-terminate again by drawing parallels between the genius and himself.

"I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: It takes every bit as much concentration, dedication, and perspiration for a mediocre writer to churn out a mediocre book as it does for a great writer to produce a great one. ....."

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Blog 66: December 26, 2010

Christmas Leftovers

Among other puerile ruminations, Josh explains why he'd rather be a spree killer than a serial killer.

"I arrived at the farmhouse yesterday, Christmas Eve..."

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Blog 65: December 13, 2010

The Gift of the Maki

Not content merely to inflict his execrable books on the world, Josh sets out to ruin the holidays for everyone with the most depressing Christmas story ever.

"When I find myself in the mood for some nostalgic wallowing, the Christmas season of 2001 is not a period that I choose to wallow in....."

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Blog 64: November 27, 2010

The Great Orifice Shift

The vagina is losing popularity among the key 18-to-49-year-old demographic faster than FlashForward, and Josh brings his hazy analytical powers to bear in search of the reason why.

"When I was in graduate school, I was compelled at knifepoint to study and—however briefly—actually care about something called The Great Vowel Shift..."

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Blog 62: October 29, 2010

It Lives! (By Which, I Mean Monogamy)

Cluck, cluck, cluck, goes Josh's pert little tongue as he parses Esquire's latest Survey of American Men.

"I know it seems as if I’m beating the proverbial dead horse by picking on monogamy yet again, but face it, this horse is hardly dead..."

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Blog 61: October 17, 2010

Loose Ends

In a post somewhat less intelligible than a Benicio del Toro performance, Josh laments losing primacy as a search term for his own website to porn star Mika Tan.

"My previous post, as its title amply reveals, was a callous and desperate attempt to draw more traffic to this site from among Wired Society’s dregs......."

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Blog 60: October 3, 2010

Sex Toys for Men, Japanese Chicks, Justin Bieber, and Other Random Search Terms Designed to Lure Unsuspecting Web-surfers

An innocuous news item about a Tokyo neighborhood famous for its many sex goods shop launches Josh on yet another crass bid to enhance traffic to his site.

"After my first book came out, I resolved that my next book would have nothing whatsoever to do with Japanese chicks lest I get myself permanently pegged as 'Josh Muggins—oh, you know: that Japanese chicks guy'..."

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Blog 58: August 29, 2010

Steal, Pinch, Pilfer, Purloin, Thieve

In yet another test of the capacity of readers to give a shit about him, Josh reflects on how the theft of Roget's Thesaurus from his high school science teacher impacted his writing style.

"A pivotal incident in my lifelong love affair with English words was an act of petty larceny....."

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Blog 56: August 8, 2010

Live! Nude! Girls!

Token white lady Ashlynn Brooke saves Josh's gratuitous and wholly uncalled-for list of his five favorite porn stars from being an all-Asian affair.

" I like pornography, as regular readers may have gathered by now...."

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Blog 53: June 28, 2010

Enough, Already: Let's Kill Monogamy

Josh analyzes the folly of lifelong monogamy by contrasting the Clinton Model and the Limbaugh Model.

"Like most people, I enjoy reading stuff that reinforces what I already think..."

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Blog 50: May 16, 2010

Jupiter's Nutsack Be Praised

Josh picks a fight with a blogger even more obscure than himself for daring to decry the delightful nudity of Spartacus as gratuitous.

" Spartacus: Blood and Sand (Starz) at long last answers the question “What would happen if a cable network tailored a whole series to the tastes of warped, infantile middle-aged men like me?”..."

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Blog 49: May 1, 2010

Let’s Kick Augusten Burroughs Around Again, Just For the Heck of It

The envious, sniveling sac of protoplasm known as Josh Muggins once again lunges at innocent bestselling author Burroughs with diseased, pus-dripping fingers outstretched.

"When I last ceased and desisted beating up on faux memoirist Augusten Burroughs, I was whining about the way he had left us honest, hardworkin’ memoirists in the lurch by getting himself successfully sued for defamation by the family portrayed in his breakthrough work, Running With Scissors..."

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Blog 48: April 19, 2010

Tits: Some Random Observations

Once again, Josh lures readers with a tantalizing title, only to take the post into an entirely different direction: i.e. the late Eldridge Cleaver's ill-fated foray into trouser designing.

"The new school year began here in Japan a few weeks ago and I was sitting in my office the other day perusing the head shots that I had collected from my freshmen for the purpose of learning their names more quickly..."

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Blog 45: March 8, 2010

A Love Not Quite Big Enough

HBO's Big Love fails to get a thumbs-up from Josh - or a rise out of any other body part, either.

"We want what we can't have. How’s that for a thoroughly pedestrian lede? ..."

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Blog 44: February 17, 2010

Dead Man Stroking

An article detailing how death-row inmates pass the time intrigues Josh for all the wrong reasons.

"I just finished a gripping article in the January 2010 Esquire. (Yes, I’m way behind on my reading. Check back for my thoughts on Game Change around fall 2012.)..."

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Blog 43: February 8, 2010

A Fork in the Road

Josh recalls how an encounter with a homeless Japanese man gave him new insights into writers who whole-heartedly devote themselves to the craft only to fail.

"Back in the Eighties, when I was a young English teacher here in Japan, there was a lesson in an beginners-level textbook that I often used which treated the usage of the verb have..."

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Blog 42: January 19, 2010

Oh, All Right You Big Babies: More Sex Toys!

Shamelessly preying on innocent websurfers, Josh litters another compendium of pedestrian observations with such Google-friendly terms as "blowjob," "adult entertainment," and "Filipina maids."

"I wrote about sex toys for men (aka blowjob simulators) a few posts ago and you animals seemed to like that..."

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Blog 40: December 22, 2009

The Sexbot as Stocking Stuffer

Josh explores new frontiers of shamelessness in this initial foray into the world of sex toys for men.

"As a full year of fairly vigorous, sweaty-fingered blogging winds down, I can’t help feeling amazed and a bit appalled at the vicissitudes of my monthly visitor count."

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Blog 39: December 7, 2009

What the Heck Is Wrong with You Americans?

Josh contemplates an America where autopsy scenes in police procedurals have become nightly entertainment, while tits remain taboo.

"My goodness, Americans these days are effed up."

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Blog 38: November 24, 2009

Now Just What Exactly Is Wrong With That?

One of Josh's students is in love with a man twenty-eight years her senior; he has no problem with that and wonders why so many of you do.

"So I was at a party last week for about a dozen of the students in my undergraduate seminar, one of these affairs where you all sit around a big table and consume shochu cocktails and fried chicken for two hours or until someone abruptly projectile-vomits, whichever comes first. "

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Blog 35: October 28, 2009

Submissive Asian Women and Why You Never Run Into Them

Josh shares the drippings from his brain pan regarding the recent spate of news centering on Asian women in the US, e.g. Balloon Boy mom Mayumi Heene.

"No one has asked me to comment on the recent spate of US-based brouhahas involving Asian women. I ought not to take that as a personal slight since, as a general rule, no one ever asks me to comment on anything."

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Blog 29: August 1, 2009

Thanksgiving in July

His annual trip back to the American heartland inspires Josh to wax smugly about his remarkable fitness vis-a-vis his bloated and decrepit countrymen. Trip highlights include the collapse of the Leaning Tower of Mortonville and a Mystery Negro's infiltration of Josh's all-white high school class's reunion.

"Freshly back from a week in the Great Satan and woefully behind in my blog updates as always..."

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Blog 28: July 13, 2009

Word Has It That Michael Jackson Has Passed Away

Josh offers a more or less heartfelt tribute to the late King for his astonishing capacity to bounce back from criticism and villification.

"In my English classes here at my university in Japan I have resorted, over the years, to a variety of elaborate schemes at the outset of lessons to pair my students off with random partners for conversation practice...."

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Blog 27: June 24, 2009

Dead Man Crunching

An uncharacteristically straightforward paean to the late Scott Helvenston and his workout videos.

"Nearly every morning since the summer of 1998—rain, shine, or hangover—I have slotted a hoary old video cassette into my hoary old video cassette player so that a six-inch-high redneck can whip me into shape ."

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Blog 25: May 26, 2009

Laying Down the Law

Dead horses Augusten Burroughs and David Sedaris are unceremoniously dragged out yet again so that Josh can flog them with the literary equivalent of cold, wet spaghetti while once more bemoaning his own well-deserved lack of recognition.

"Slate’s Jack Shafer, that latter-day Diogenes, is at it again, this time taking Larry King to task for making stuff up in his new memoir (and elsewhere)."

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Blog 24: May 12, 2009

When I'm Sixty-Four--or Thereabouts

Josh reminisces about seeing Emmanuelle with Gary back in Mankato in the Seventies, and conjures up his ideal old man-hood: wandering around the jungle in a business suit with a hot, horny French chick on his arm.

"Well, I’ll be fifty-four years old this fall, and the summer will mark the thirtieth anniversary of my arrival in Japan."

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Blog 23: April 28, 2009

I Like Squid. And You?

Josh follows a description of his favorite squid-based treat and a gripping saga of his typical walk to school with a hodge-podge of tidbits so brain-freezingly lame and inane that they actually were cut from his latest book.

"Have you ever put your squid in a microwave?"

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Blog 21: April 2, 2009

"Maybe If I Don't Blink, My Eyes Will Tear Up"

In the process of analyzing his own insensitivity, Josh references the TV series Dexter and an autistic memoirist, and finally gives poor, dead David Foster Wallace a reason to feel depressed again in the afterlife by dragging him into the discussion.

"The concept of insensitivity in the clinical sense of the word—a deadness to human emotion—has been creeping into my pop culture diet of late...."

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Blog 18: February 22, 2009

Adventures in Self-Publishing

In a move destined to leave less prolific whiners sighing in awe, Josh whines and whines for a good 3000 words on the difficulties of dealing with Print-on-Demand publishers.

"My second memoir, Summer of Marv, is now available for sale on the website of its publisher, AuthorHouse..."

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Blog 17: February 8, 2009
"I Did Not Get My Spaghetti-O's" and Other Famous Last Words

Increasingly desperate for blog material, Josh raids a website called Last Words.

"In the early spring of my fourteenth year of life, Dwight D. Eisenhower lay dying of heart failure in Walter Reed Army Hospital..."

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Blog 16: February 3, 2009

We Have a Cover

Josh explains the genesis of the Summer of Marv cover art, on the shaky assumption that anybody will give a shit.

"First a correction: In my previous post, I reported that groomsmen at Gary’s late-Seventies wedding were decked out in powder blue..."

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Blog 15: January 26, 2009

My Addiction? I Report, You Decide

A website diagnoses Josh with a severe porn addiction, to no one's surprise but his own.

"I’ve been reading a lot about porn addiction lately...."

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Blog 14: January 12, 2009

Manly Men and the L Word

Reading Team of Rivals, Josh is nonplussed by the open and flowery displays of affection between the menfolk of Lincoln's day.

"For Christmas my sister gave me Doris Kearns Goodwin’s Team of Rivals, the multiple biography of Abraham Lincoln and the political nemeses who later became his advisers and friends...."

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Blog 13: December 22, 2008

Getting Some Wood Again

Josh draws inspiration from the creative career of Ed Wood while re-watching Tim Burton's biopic.

"There are moments when I suspect that I may be the worst writer in history..."

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Blog 12: November 23, 2008

Of Rome and Deadwood

Straying into television criticism, Josh compares two beloved HBO series in terms of storytelling, cinematography, acting, and tits. Somewhere in the afterlife, Pauline Kael weeps.

"I’ve slowly come around to the realization that most people who consider themselves bloggers prattle on and on about their hobbies and interests, what they ate that morning, who said what to them at the office and how that made them feel, etc., etc., secure in the knowledge that a vast reading public can’t wait for the next installment.."

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Blog 11:November 3, 2008

My Baby

Josh whines about bad reviews on Amazon and tries to dupe readers into writing some good ones.

" I doubt that there has ever been a writer--or artist, athlete, politician, chef, babysitter, dictator, paper boy, televangelist or what-have-you--more sensitive to criticism than I am...."

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Blog 10: October 19, 2008

Consider the Handjob

In a rare post that's halfway worth reading, Josh extols the virtues of humanity's most underrated form of sexual gratification.

"As Barack Obama was saying to me the other day at the annual meeting of the Guys With Two Memoirs Club, one learns a great deal about oneself in the course of writing two memoirs, and much of it not very nice..."

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Blog 08: September 21, 2008

Why I Write Books

"Talent is optional" ranks among Josh's ten reasons for choosing his vocation.

"'Why do you write books?' This is a question that I get, like, none of the time..."

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Blog 07: August 31, 2008

Internet Hero Lena Chen

Get ready for another heaping dose of self-loathing as Josh discovers a 20-year-old Harvard junior with more chutzpah than he'll ever muster.

"Praise be to internet hero Susannah Breslin for introducing us to our new, even greater internet hero Lena Chen...."

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Blog 06: August 24, 2008

I Suck Ass

Having trashed three harmless memoirists for their factual transgressions, Josh attempts to show how his own Mexican Hat Dances around the Truth are entirely benign and forgivable--but ends up failing to convince even himself.

"The last three or four hours that I have spent on the upkeep of this blog have been devoted to denigrating, demolishing, casting aspersions upon, and otherwise pooping all over brother memoirists Frey, Sedaris, and Burroughs for their propensity for making stuff up in their so-called memoirs...."

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Blog 05: August 10, 2008

And Nothing But the Truth...Sorta (Part 3)

For once in his life, Josh gets seriously indignant. The trigger? Augusten Burroughs and his skin-saving legal tactics that have put all memoirists in jeopardy.

"When last I slunk out of the dank depths of my lightless, vermin-infested, copiously-stocked-with-supermarket-wine cave to update this site, I was mewling and whining in my inimitable fashion about David Sedaris and the damage he had wrought upon all memoirists.."

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Blog 04: May 17, 2008

And Nothing But the Truth...Sorta (Part 2)

Turns out the secret to David Sedaris's success as a memoirist is rampant and deliberate lying. Josh reaps sour grapes.

"I hereby declare this to be a four-part series. The first three will deal with America's three most prominent and beloved lying memoirists; the fourth will explain why, despite my comparably vague acquaintanceship with truth-telling, I will never quite measure up to those three...."

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Blog 03: July 3, 2008

And Nothing But the Truth...Sorta (Part 1)

In the first post of a series on truth-bending memorists, Josh forgives James Frey his sins.

"It's hard out here for a memoirist...."

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Blog 01: May 17, 2008

You Talking to Me?

Josh explains how Lindsay Lohan's fate convinced him not to permit readers to post feedback on his site.

"Welcome to the rebooted Josh Muggins website. I'm Josh, and I'll be your blogger this evening..."

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