|Newest → Oldest
|Blog 145: May 4, 2015
More Cocks in our Media Diet? Sure, Why Not.
This just in: Josh likes dick...or at least doesn't mind it.
"So there’s this controversy brewing (because “brewing” is what controversies
enjoy doing in their leisure time) over the imbalance of nudity on cable
series, with Game of Thrones cited as the worst offender. ...”
|Blog 144: April 6, 2015
Oh Bill, for Heaven's Sake...
Josh is very, very disappointed in you, childhood hero Bill Cosby.
"In the years 1963 through 1966, when I was seven to ten years old, my life revolved to no small extent around the doings of two titanic heroes then at the peak of their powers: Sandy Koufax and Bill Cosby...."
|Blog 143: March 26, 2015
Naked on Campus in January: I Hate it When That Happens
Josh's finally scores in his decades-long quest for a faculty member even
more whipped by Japanese college girls than he himself is, thus eliminating
his last flimsy excuse to go on living.
"The year in web-surfing got off to a rollicking start with a gem of an item titled 'University lecturer found naked on campus in Tokyo.'...”
|Blog 142: March 7, 2015
Hey, Americans: Don't You Guys Touch Anymore?!
Oh, I don't know: something about making out with his late mother that
segues into a polemic against Joe Biden and blah blah blah.
"Several years ago, I returned to the Muggins homestead in Mortonville,
Illinois, Great Satan, whereupon my perpetually shrinking mother lurched
at me for the traditional Hug of Greeting. ..."
|Blog 141: March 1, 2015
Did I Ever Tell You About the Time I Was a Sexually Exploited Teen?
The long and the short of it: Josh ejaculated into a British guy's mouth
"'I can’t tell if you’re an American disguised as a Frenchman or a Frenchman
disguised as an American.'...”
|Blog 140: February 5, 2015
A Porn of My Own: In Praise of OGYL!
Here's that guide to videos of septuagenarian Swedes having sexual intercourse
that you've so long been searching for.
"I once wrote at excruciating length of my quest, as a college student
in Mankato, to discover a fetish that I could claim as my own..."
|Blog 138: October 28, 2014
Does This Site Make Me Look Old and Out of It? It Does, Doesn’t It. What Do You Call This Thing, Anyway—a Blog or a Post or... Jesus Tits, I’m Old
Josh's argument that his mindset and habits are by no means dated might
have resonated better had he not shifted into Aramaic halfway through.
"Just as I was feeling pretty smug technology-wise—I hooked up a new printer using Japanese instructions! I edited a new paperback that, when viewed peripherally while on Quaaludes, looks like the product of a real publisher! I exhibited the (seemingly rare) sense not to turn on Photo Stream after taking naked pictures of myself!—along comes this steaming buffalo chip from the Turd-binders from Way Back at Business Insider to harsh my mellow..."
|Blog 134: August 1, 2014
Hell Is Other Teachers
Josh's faculty colleagues circle him with daggers tucked into togas, awaiting
an opening...and can you blame them?
"In the course of what passes for “research” for Other People’s Daughters, my upcoming memoir of my years on the faculty of N. University (aka “Nangaku”),
I uncovered a reference to a forgotten meeting of the English Education
Subgroup in the summer of 2005...."
Blog 133: May 26, 2014
Why, oh Why, 2K??
Now senile as well as unfunny, Josh regurgitates the story of time freshmen
invited him out drinking mere hours after his bloody colonoscopy and hilarity
ensued and yada yada yada...
"Welcome to another heapin' helpin' of lefotver vittles judged unfit
for human consumption and thus excised from my upcoming memoir...."
|Blog 132: May 7, 2014
Oh, Akiko, We Hardly Knew Ye
Josh once spent an evening playing with stuffed animals with a gorgeous
Japanese college freshman, and he wants you to know about that.
"In this week’s installment of “Feed the Blog Beast,” I once again
toss readers a bucket of slop deemed unsuitable for inclusion in the upcoming
memoir about my years at Yokohama’s N University, where, for the better
part of two decades, I successfully went through the motions of teaching
English to the most beautiful women in the solar system...."
|Blog 131: April 28, 2014
A Brief Aside on the Rules of Courtship in a Japanese University
Josh reacts to a dispassionate, academic presentation of Japanese mating
rituals with all the empathy and intellectual curiosity of Michele Bachmann
"As I noted last time, I'm abdicating my blog-composing duties for
an indefinite period while continuing to slug it out at the Day Job and
simultaneously wrapping up my latest memoir about my years on the faculty
of NU in Yokohama, where every day was like judging a new episode of Japan's Next Top Model..."
|Blog 130: April 4, 2014
Hajime Goes Down
Josh relates an utterly charming and uproarious anecdote about the time
he left one of his own students to die in a pool of his own vomit.
"I've been pretty dormant blog-wise in recent months--not that anyone
has objected (sniff)..."
|Blog 129: March 25, 2014
Flashback! The Last Survivors of the Entering Class of ’95 Debate the Question:
“Why Are We Still Here?”
In this, the second part of a tetralogy of posts in which Josh self-plagiarizes
his old jabs at decent, harmless students of English unable to defend themselves,
Josh assembles four desperate lads for a "Lazy Bastard Roundtable."
"I spent the most fruitful and fun years of my English-teaching career at a place I have fake-named NU, “Nangaku” in Japanese, a private university in Yokohama...."
|Blog 128: February 17, 2014
And You Think Characters in MY Books are One-Dimensional
A student earnestly struggling to learn English from Josh a quarter of a century ago wrote the word "shit" on an essay by mistake and Josh still believes this is the funniest thing ever.
"We had a record-breaking snowstorm in Yokohama on February 7, and then
another one on February 14, which must have made the February 7 storm feel
rather like the Mark Maguire of record-breaking Japanese snowstorms..."
|Blog 127: February 2, 2014
Josh morns the passing of his mother while somehow working in an anachronistic
and yet pretty good "Peter North slumming in gay porn" joke,
"I’m alone in the one-story ranch house in which I grew up..."
|Blog 126: January 26, 2014
The Four Stages of Sexual Death and Dying
Perhaps working on the assumption that the cheery title alone will not
lure a sufficient number of readers, Josh spices up the post with pirated
shots of Wilford Brimley smashing furniture.
"How does it feel to grow old?..."
|Blog 125: January 3, 2014
The Tao of Durl
In what may be some ludicrous attempt to channel Roy Blount, Jr.,, Josh
launches this flaccid foray into redneck humor.
"Catching up on my Walking Dead recently, I couldn’t help ruminating on the quintessentially redneck name
Darryl—or, as it is often pronounced in the South and Midwest, Durl..."
|Blog 115: March 28, 2013
Young People Today, I Wanna Tell You
Josh somehow manages to drag Lena Dunham and her hit series Girls into a screed against today's finicky young masturbators who no longer
give it up for "ordinary girls," and abandon all hope of coherence
ye who click here..
"Here’s another Salon article about porn addiction that caught my eye a while back, about which I had resolved to write before
I was waylaid by the siren call of Sex at Dawn....."
|Blog 112: February 6, 2013
Why I LoveSex at Dawn, Volume 1
Josh essentially peeps from the safety of his apartment and fails to summon
the cops while anthropologists Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha viciously
have their way with the concept of Monogamy in a back alley.
"No good excuse for the long dry spell this blog has weathered...."
|Blog 111: January 3, 2013
Trials of the Tit-Havers: Some Thoughts on Reading Breasts: A Natural and Unnatural History
Josh reads a really hard bookabout one of the more notorious ladyparts,
and learns that Scarlett Johansson is mostly made of stroma.
"Muggins completists—a species, much like zombie pandas, that very
likely exists only in my imagination—know that I have touched before upon
the unfairness of life with regard to tits..."
|Blog 110: November 3, 2012
Violentacrez: Quite the Character
Josh thoughtfully enumerates similarities between himself and exposed mega-troll
Violentacrez, so that no one else will have to do it.
"You know how, like, on Fringe, when they show the doppelgangers of characters in the parallel universe,
some of them are more or less the same as their “real world” counterparts
while others, owing to the Cruel Hand of Fate or perhaps poor personal
choices, are pathetic and doomed shadows of their cousins in our universe?...."
|Blog 109: October 22, 2012
Objectification now! Objectification forever!
Josh contemplates John Mayer's nipples, shares his favorite pre-ejaculatory
utterance, and takes a bold stand in favor of the sexual objectification
of others, so long as no one ever does it to him, for the love of God.
"So I was browsing Nerve again the other day and came upon the above,
which I found endlessly fascinating...."
|Blog 108: October 9, 2012
Aw, for the Luvva Jupiter: Spartacus: Vengeance!
In full-on seventh-grade-boy-wielding-an-English-professor's-vocabulary
mode, Josh breaks down the most recent season of the Starz series by its
most memorable scenes, deaths, lines, and of course, tits.
" We love us some Nerve.com around here and all, especially their
irresistible lists ("Eight Celebrity Crushes Ruined by Scientology,"
|Blog 107: September 20, 2012
Ancient Tweets about Japanese Chicks
Josh reminisces about showing his cock to nonplussed sophomore boys, among
other Sandusky-esque incidents from the twilight of his teaching career
at good old N. University.
" In a post last spring, while reporting on a reunion sponsored by some of my former NU students, I mentioned the database that
I maintain on all the individuals I have ever had in my classes..."
|Blog 105: August 26, 2012
Nice Beat, but You Can’t Whack To It: A Visit to the Early Ron Jeremy Oeuvre Part II: The Hedgehog Strikes Back!
Josh somehow wrings another 2300 words out of a twenty-five-year-old piece
of forgotten, pornographic ephemera.
"When we left off, ice cream parlor manager Ron Jeremy's penis had
just spewed all over one of his waitresses (Renee Lovins) like a fraternity
pledge after a beer pong tournament, after which he interviewed "Shelley,"
played by headliner Ali Moore..."
|Blog 103: July 1, 2012
The Joys of Coot-hood Await
Josh finally joins every single human familiar with his work in recognizing
what a enfeebled, hopelessly clueless relic he has become.
"A few too many signs of personal decay around here for comfort these
|Blog 101: June 2, 2012
Congratulations: You've Read this Whole Title!
Josh spares no effort to alientate his few remaining readers by elucidating
the seedy search terms that bring them to this site.
"I’d like to start off by thanking readers for making May 2012 one
of the most successful months to date in the history of this website...."
|Blog 99: April 29, 2012
The Long, Slow Walk to Why Women Love Mad Men
Josh drags Alex Haley, Reggie Jackson, and toplessness in prime-time network
programming into a tedious dissection of the popularity of Mad Men.
"My college friend Nielsen was a racist..."
|Blog 97: March 22, 2012
A Few Words about Journals
Josh explores the stylings of fellow diarists R. Reagan, A. Warhol, and
A. Bustamente (teenage murderess) to ascertain why he can't shake this
"As announced a few posts ago, I’ve embarked on the writing of a new memoir
on that time-honored subject, Japanese chicks..."
|Blog 96: March 11, 2012
Harmless Little Fuzzball
Josh brazenly confesses to a history of listening to and occasionally even
enjoying the not-quite-brain-dead Nineties relic Rush Limbaugh.
"I’m trying to remember the last time I called anyone a slut...."
|Blog 95: March 2, 2012
I Feel a New Life Growing Inside Me
His first return to N. University since going into exile five years ago
inspires Josh to commit to another book devoted the the ineffable wonderfulness
of NU chicks.
"I spent last week on a most-expenses-paid junket to Hawaii with six girls
from my university, all of them in the smoldering to smoking range...."
|Blog 94: February 19, 2012
In Praise of Male Porn Stars
There you are, minding your own business one night at a traditional Japanese
inn, when twenty hot chicks saunter in, disrobe in front of you, and take
turns spitting into your mouth.
"Some four years ago, a bunch of students descended on my apartment
for a memorable party highlighted by copious consumption of Japanese shochu and pizza and the impromptu making of a four-minute horror movie in which
the remarkably durable protagonist survived repeated attempts to kill him
that grew ever more ludicrous as the shochu flowed..."
|Blog 93: February 5, 2012
Fat Fury Redux
An aggressively ugly but brilliant student forces Josh to recall the American
Comics Group antihero Herbie Popnecker--not to mention his nemesis, Roderick
"Throughout the just concluded academic year here in Japan, I encountered
on a twice weekly basis a college freshman who was aggressively, nay giddily
|Blog 92: January 22, 2012
Things I Thought About While Proctoring an All-Day Test
The ghosts of TV Guide critic Cleveland Amory and reggae giant Bob Marley team up to coax Josh through a long day's journey into night.
"In this episode, I spend the whole of a bright and crisp Saturday working as a proctor at a testing center for the Sentaa Shiken, or 'Center Test.'..."
|Blog 91: January 3, 2012
Steven Seagal in the Springtime
News of a new reality show featuring the sluggish Nineties action star
compels Josh to relive the many hours of his life spent absorbing the Seagal
"Just when you thought there was no reason to face a grim 2012—okay then, just when I thought there was no reason to face a grim 2012—comes, like the song of
the meadowlark on an ash-gray New Year’s morn, word of a thing called Steven Seagal: Lawman..."
|Blog 90: December 18, 2011
If I Were Commissioner of Pornography
Josh takes a break from pathetically projecting himself into pornographic
videos in order to pathetically project himself shogun of the whole pornographic
"Some time back, Amanda Marcotte over at Slate posted a startling rumination entitled 'Lady Problems: If Larry Flynt,
Hugh Hefner, and Bob Guccione Hadn’t Had Personal Issues with Women, Would
Today’s Porn Be Less Awful?'..."
|Blog 89: December 3, 2011
"I'm Just Not Feeling It This Year"
Josh whiningly compares his lot in life to that of a fictional Katrina
survivor, begging yet again the question, "Is he an insensitive dolt,
or merely a delusional one?"
"Say, remember that earthquake/tsunami/radiation soufflé that Fate
whipped up for northeastern Japan some months back?..."
|Blog 88: November 20, 2011
I Molested a Coworker, Too
In order to bring the number of reasons why he could never, ever be considered
for elective office in any sovereign nation in the world to an even 500,
Josh uses the Herman Cain sexual harassment allegations as a jumping off
point to another of his loony and pointless reminiscences.
"All this talk about Herman Cain running his hands under skirts and
dragging women's heads toward his groin brings back memories of the days
when I, too, used to inflict unwanted physical contact upon a certain female
|Blog 87: October 29, 2011
Sex Quiz 2: The Reckoning
In Josh's virgin live chat, Gary gamely parries his taunts and japes after
being narrowly edged by Josh in an online sex quiz, a triumph that in Josh's
warped mind avenges Gary's selfish banging of Sybil while Josh was still
dating her back in 1976.
"As you may recall, I shared my thoughts with you while going through
a sex quiz in this very space a while back..."
|Blog 86: October 16, 2011
Talent Is Optional: Shimmering Polished Turds from This Very Site
After years of shilling unsuccessfully on behalf of his commercial books,
Josh manages to stoop even lower by shilling on behalf of a free one.
"As you can see, we have launched a free ebook collection of some of the
more diverting posts from this blog during its infamous Blue Period, 2008
to 2010 …."
|Blog 84: September 18, 2011
Here's What I Think About Scarlett Johansson's Naked Pictures
Josh exploits the humiliation of a privacy-loving and talented actress
solely for the sake of luring more unsuspecting visitors to his site.
"Okay, so Mrs. Muggins and I get back from our Kauai getaway the other night.
We part company, each to get on with his/her life in his/her respective
segment of Japan—I in the urban east and she in the radiation-free rural
west. I wake up early the next morning all refreshed and invigorated and
rebooted and what have you, almost salivating to get cracking on the long
to-do list, when all of a sudden I’m blindsided by the Daily Beast headline…."
|Blog 83: August 31, 2011
I'm Outta Here
This straightforward account of Josh's struggles prepping his manuscript
for various ebook formats might be of interest to aspiring ebook writers--if
only it didn't suck so bad.
"I hope you can forgive this perfunctory feed-the-beast post, but the thing is, I’ll be leaving on vacation tomorrow—unless mean old Typhoon #12 has other ideas*--and thus will not be able to post again until late September..."
|Blog 82: August 27, 2011
"You Don't Fight With Honor": Handicapping the Race for the White
House via Game of Thrones
For once, Josh stumbles onto a truly clever concept--comparing Republican
presidential hopefuls to lurid Game of Thrones characters--but characteristically blows it in the execution.
"My friends (as John McCain used to seethe), here’s the deal with Game of Thrones....."
|Blog 81: August 10, 2011
Now, That’s Just Not Appropriate
Setting out to write a light, comic piece about his favorite porn site,
Josh ends up just ragging all over the shriveled carcass of poor old Raymond
"So I was hanging out at Asian Porn Videos the other day, just minding my
own business with my alter ego embedded in an undulating cylinder of polyurethane,
when I noticed for the first time a link that allowed me to...."
|Blog 80: August 3, 2011
Do I Look Fat in This Blog?
After his annual checkup, Josh moans and groans at being declared borderline
obese, while somehow managing to perv on Blake Lively and Winona Ryder
in the process.
"I got the results of the annual June checkup about a week ago and learned that once again I teeter chubbily on the precipice of obesity...."
|Blog 79: July 10, 2011
Japanese Porn: A Midsummer Book Report
If you're the type of person whose day is just not complete without capsulized reviews of films with titles like "Japanese AV Model Nipples Sucked" or "Schoolgirl In Training Dress Giving Blowjob Getting Facial In The Locker Room," then this puppy here is right in your wheelhouse.
"I think it’s time to write about porn again, but rest assured...."
|Blog 78: June 26, 2011
...As the Proverbial Judge
In a rare moment of clarity, Josh acknowledges the suckiness of his own
blogging, then turns around and passes it off as a temporary side effect
of self-imposed sobriety.
"My name is Josh (“Hi, Josh!”), and I’ve been sober for twenty-five days now...."
|Blog 77: June 11, 2011
Three Months Later
In the midst of an entirely appropriate update of Japan's recovery from
the March earthquake/tsunami disaster, Josh manages to shoehorn in a tedious
screed on how the whole mess has impacted his day job.
"I suppose some would say that I owe Matt Drudge an apology......"
|Blog 76: May 29, 2011
Osama and Me
The weary reader can only hope that Josh's compendium of similarities between
himself and the late Osama bin Laden will soon include a resting place
at the bottom of the ocean.
"Here’s a thought experiment: If a crack team of Navy Seals breaches your
home and fatally shoots you in the face, what embarrassing artifacts are
they apt to discover?...."
|Blog 75: May 8, 2011
Gods of the Arena
Back to the old Sparatcus well again goes Josh in hopes of luring lonely fanboys to his site.
"The recently ended “Golden Week” run of early spring holidays afforded
me an opportunity for long-postponed self-abusive behaviors, among which
was the viewing of the six episodes of Spartacus: Gods of the Arena......"
|Blog 74: April 26, 2011
Remembrance of Video Rentals Past
reminiscence of Josh's old neighborhood video store carries all the crackling excitement
and giddy delight of a weekend outing with the whole Rick Santorum clan.
"People back in the Satan are astonished when I inform them that folks here
in Japan still trek to video rental stores to get their weekend entertainment...."
|Blog 73: April 10, 2011
Tracy Clark-Flory: A Tribute
For the 3,744th time in the course of his wasted existence, Josh publicly
professes adoration for a smart, confident woman in the vain hope that
she will pay attention to him.
"Tracy Clark-Flory is the Ichiro of bloggers: prolific, tireless,
and yet consistently exciting....."
|Blog 72: March 16 - 28, 2011
The Tsunami Diaries
Four posts composed during Japan's natural and nuclear calamities of March
2011 are compiled.
"You can’t imagine how many times I started writing this, either on paper or in my head, only to have events trample whatever fundamental assumptions I was riffing on and force me to start over again....."
|Blog 71: March 6, 2011
Japanese Chicks in Paradise
Josh's university assigns him the task of chaperoning four female students
on a week-long trip to Hawaii: what could possibly go wrong?
"In case anybody has overlooked this aspect of my bio, let me make it perfectly clear that I very much like Japanese chicks...."
|Blog 70: February 19, 2011
Josh Muggins Responds to Josh Muggins’s Review of Josh Muggins’s Wussie: In Praise of Spineless Men
Predictably, Josh has issues with Josh's review of Josh's book.
"One hardly knows where to begin a response to such a savage and unprovoked
|Blog 69: February 5, 2011
Review of Josh Muggins’s Wussie: In Praise of Spineless Men
By Josh Muggins
Josh reviews Josh's new book and gradually talks himself into giving it
a grudging thumbs up.
"Well, folks, Josh Muggins has gone and done it again..."
|Blog 68: January 23, 2011
Adventures in Facebook
Josh belatedly gets around to exploring social media and "old acquaintance
"My Rolling Fella Bomber (which I have affectionately dubbed “Old
Reliable”) got a workout last weekend after I stumbled across some fetching
Facebook pictures of young women I had known years ago at NU. ..."
|Blog 67: January 9, 2011
David Foster Wallace
Just in case DFW somehow manages to rise from the grave, Josh gives him
ample reason to self-terminate again by drawing parallels between the genius
"I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: It takes every bit as
much concentration, dedication, and perspiration for a mediocre writer
to churn out a mediocre book as it does for a great writer to produce a
great one. ....."
|Blog 66: December 26, 2010
Among other puerile ruminations, Josh explains why he'd rather be a spree
killer than a serial killer.
"I arrived at the farmhouse yesterday, Christmas Eve..."
|Blog 65: December 13, 2010
The Gift of the Maki
Not content merely to inflict his execrable books on the world, Josh sets
out to ruin the holidays for everyone with the most depressing Christmas
"When I find myself in the mood for some nostalgic wallowing, the
Christmas season of 2001 is not a period that I choose to wallow in....."
|Blog 64: November 27, 2010
The Great Orifice Shift
The vagina is losing popularity among the key 18-to-49-year-old demographic faster than FlashForward, and Josh brings his hazy analytical powers to bear in search of the reason
"When I was in graduate school, I was compelled at knifepoint to study
and—however briefly—actually care about something called The Great Vowel
|Blog 62: October 29, 2010
It Lives! (By Which, I Mean Monogamy)
Cluck, cluck, cluck, goes Josh's pert little tongue as he parses Esquire's latest Survey of American Men.
"I know it seems as if I’m beating the proverbial dead horse by picking
on monogamy yet again, but face it, this horse is hardly dead..."
|Blog 61: October 17, 2010
In a post somewhat less intelligible than a Benicio del Toro performance,
Josh laments losing primacy as a search term for his own website to porn
star Mika Tan.
"My previous post, as its title amply reveals, was a callous and desperate
attempt to draw more traffic to this site from among Wired Society’s dregs......."
|Blog 60: October 3, 2010
Sex Toys for Men, Japanese Chicks, Justin Bieber, and Other Random Search
Terms Designed to Lure Unsuspecting Web-surfers
An innocuous news item about a Tokyo neighborhood famous for its many sex
goods shop launches Josh on yet another crass bid to enhance traffic to
"After my first book came out, I resolved that my next book would
have nothing whatsoever to do with Japanese chicks lest I get myself permanently
pegged as 'Josh Muggins—oh, you know: that Japanese chicks guy'..."
|Blog 58: August 29, 2010
Steal, Pinch, Pilfer, Purloin, Thieve
In yet another test of the capacity of readers to give a shit about him,
Josh reflects on how the theft of Roget's Thesaurus from his high school
science teacher impacted his writing style.
"A pivotal incident in my lifelong love affair with English words
was an act of petty larceny....."
|Blog 56: August 8, 2010
Live! Nude! Girls!
Token white lady Ashlynn Brooke saves Josh's gratuitous and wholly uncalled-for
list of his five favorite porn stars from being an all-Asian affair.
" I like pornography, as regular readers may have gathered by now...."
|Blog 53: June 28, 2010
Enough, Already: Let's Kill Monogamy
Josh analyzes the folly of lifelong monogamy by contrasting the Clinton
Model and the Limbaugh Model.
"Like most people, I enjoy reading stuff that reinforces what I already
|Blog 50: May 16, 2010
Jupiter's Nutsack Be Praised
Josh picks a fight with a blogger even more obscure than himself for daring
to decry the delightful nudity of Spartacus as gratuitous.
" Spartacus: Blood and Sand (Starz) at long last answers the question “What would happen if a cable
network tailored a whole series to the tastes of warped, infantile middle-aged
men like me?”..."
|Blog 49: May 1, 2010
Let’s Kick Augusten Burroughs Around Again, Just For the Heck of It
The envious, sniveling sac of protoplasm known as Josh Muggins once again
lunges at innocent bestselling author Burroughs with diseased, pus-dripping
"When I last ceased and desisted beating up on faux memoirist Augusten
Burroughs, I was whining about the way he had left us honest, hardworkin’
memoirists in the lurch by getting himself successfully sued for defamation
by the family portrayed in his breakthrough work, Running With Scissors..."
|Blog 48: April 19, 2010
Tits: Some Random Observations
Once again, Josh lures readers with a tantalizing title, only to take the
post into an entirely different direction: i.e. the late Eldridge Cleaver's
ill-fated foray into trouser designing.
"The new school year began here in Japan a few weeks ago and I was
sitting in my office the other day perusing the head shots that I had collected
from my freshmen for the purpose of learning their names more quickly..."
|Blog 45: March 8, 2010
A Love Not Quite Big Enough
HBO's Big Love fails to get a thumbs-up from Josh - or a rise out of any other body part,
"We want what we can't have. How’s that for a thoroughly pedestrian
An article detailing how death-row inmates pass the time intrigues Josh
for all the wrong reasons.
"I just finished a gripping article in the January 2010 Esquire. (Yes, I’m way behind on my reading. Check back for my thoughts on Game Change around fall 2012.)..."
|Blog 43: February 8, 2010
A Fork in the Road
Josh recalls how an encounter with a homeless Japanese man gave him new insights into writers who whole-heartedly devote themselves to the craft only to fail.
"Back in the Eighties, when I was a young English teacher here in
Japan, there was a lesson in an beginners-level textbook that I often used
which treated the usage of the verb have..."
Shamelessly preying on innocent websurfers, Josh litters another compendium
of pedestrian observations with such Google-friendly terms as "blowjob,"
"adult entertainment," and "Filipina maids."
"I wrote about sex toys for men (aka blowjob simulators) a few posts
ago and you animals seemed to like that..."
Josh explores new frontiers of shamelessness in this initial foray into
the world of sex toys for men.
"As a full year of fairly vigorous, sweaty-fingered blogging winds
down, I can’t help feeling amazed and a bit appalled at the vicissitudes
of my monthly visitor count."
|Blog 39: December 7, 2009
What the Heck Is Wrong with You Americans?
Josh contemplates an America where autopsy scenes in police procedurals
have become nightly entertainment, while tits remain taboo.
"My goodness, Americans these days are effed up."
One of Josh's students is in love with a man twenty-eight years her senior;
he has no problem with that and wonders why so many of you do.
"So I was at a party last week for about a dozen of the students
in my undergraduate seminar, one of these affairs where you all sit around
a big table and consume shochu cocktails and fried chicken for two hours or until someone abruptly projectile-vomits,
whichever comes first. "
Blog 35: October 28, 2009
Submissive Asian Women and Why You Never Run Into Them
Josh shares the drippings from his brain pan regarding the recent spate
of news centering on Asian women in the US, e.g. Balloon Boy mom Mayumi
"No one has asked me to comment on the recent spate of US-based brouhahas involving Asian women. I ought not to take that as a personal slight since, as a general rule, no one ever asks me to comment on anything."
His annual trip back to the American heartland inspires Josh to wax smugly
about his remarkable fitness vis-a-vis his bloated and decrepit countrymen.
Trip highlights include the collapse of the Leaning Tower of Mortonville
and a Mystery Negro's infiltration of Josh's all-white high school class's
"Freshly back from a week in the Great Satan and woefully behind in my blog updates as always..."
Blog 28: July 13, 2009
Word Has It That Michael Jackson Has Passed Away
Josh offers a more or less heartfelt tribute to the late King for his astonishing
capacity to bounce back from criticism and villification.
"In my English classes here at my university in Japan I have resorted,
over the years, to a variety of elaborate schemes at the outset of lessons
to pair my students off with random partners for conversation practice...."
An uncharacteristically straightforward paean to the late Scott Helvenston
and his workout videos.
"Nearly every morning since the summer of 1998—rain, shine, or hangover—I
have slotted a hoary old video cassette into my hoary old video cassette
player so that a six-inch-high redneck can whip me into shape ."
Dead horses Augusten Burroughs and David Sedaris are unceremoniously dragged
out yet again so that Josh can flog them with the literary equivalent of
cold, wet spaghetti while once more bemoaning his own well-deserved lack
"Slate’s Jack Shafer, that latter-day Diogenes, is at it again, this time taking Larry King to task for making stuff up in his new memoir (and elsewhere)."
Josh reminisces about seeing Emmanuelle with Gary back in Mankato in the Seventies, and conjures up his ideal
old man-hood: wandering around the jungle in a business suit with a hot,
horny French chick on his arm.
"Well, I’ll be fifty-four years old this fall, and the summer will
mark the thirtieth anniversary of my arrival in Japan."
Josh follows a description of his favorite squid-based treat and a gripping
saga of his typical walk to school with a hodge-podge of tidbits so brain-freezingly
lame and inane that they actually were cut from his latest book.
"Have you ever put your squid in a microwave?"
Blog 21: April 2, 2009
"Maybe If I Don't Blink, My Eyes Will Tear Up"
In the process of analyzing his own insensitivity, Josh references the
TV series Dexter and an autistic memoirist, and finally gives poor, dead David Foster Wallace
a reason to feel depressed again in the afterlife by dragging him into
"The concept of insensitivity in the clinical sense of the word—a deadness
to human emotion—has been creeping into my pop culture diet of late...."
In a move destined to leave less prolific whiners sighing in awe, Josh
whines and whines for a good 3000 words on the difficulties of dealing
with Print-on-Demand publishers.
"My second memoir, Summer of Marv, is now available for sale on the website of its publisher, AuthorHouse..."
"I Did Not Get My Spaghetti-O's" and Other Famous Last Words
Increasingly desperate for blog material, Josh raids a website called Last
"In the early spring of my fourteenth year of life, Dwight D. Eisenhower lay dying of heart failure in Walter Reed Army Hospital..."
Josh explains the genesis of the Summer of Marv cover art, on the shaky assumption that anybody will give a shit.
"First a correction: In my previous post, I reported that groomsmen at Gary’s
late-Seventies wedding were decked out in powder blue..."
A website diagnoses Josh with a severe porn addiction, to no one's surprise
but his own.
"I’ve been reading a lot about porn addiction lately...."
Reading Team of Rivals, Josh is nonplussed by the open and flowery displays of affection between
the menfolk of Lincoln's day.
"For Christmas my sister gave me Doris Kearns Goodwin’s Team of Rivals, the multiple biography of Abraham Lincoln and the political nemeses who later became his advisers and friends...."
Josh draws inspiration from the creative career of Ed Wood while re-watching
Tim Burton's biopic.
"There are moments when I suspect that I may be the worst writer in
Straying into television criticism, Josh compares two beloved HBO series
in terms of storytelling, cinematography, acting, and tits. Somewhere in
the afterlife, Pauline Kael weeps.
"I’ve slowly come around to the realization that most people who consider
themselves bloggers prattle on and on about their hobbies and interests,
what they ate that morning, who said what to them at the office and how
that made them feel, etc., etc., secure in the knowledge that a vast reading
public can’t wait for the next installment.."
Josh whines about bad reviews on Amazon and tries to dupe readers into
writing some good ones.
" I doubt that there has ever been a writer--or artist, athlete, politician,
chef, babysitter, dictator, paper boy, televangelist or what-have-you--more
sensitive to criticism than I am...."
In a rare post that's halfway worth reading, Josh extols the virtues of
humanity's most underrated form of sexual gratification.
"As Barack Obama was saying to me the other day at the annual meeting
of the Guys With Two Memoirs Club, one learns a great deal about oneself
in the course of writing two memoirs, and much of it not very nice..."
"Talent is optional" ranks among Josh's ten reasons for choosing
"'Why do you write books?' This is a question that I get, like, none
of the time..."
Get ready for another heaping dose of self-loathing as Josh discovers a
20-year-old Harvard junior with more chutzpah than he'll ever muster.
"Praise be to internet hero Susannah Breslin for introducing us to
our new, even greater internet hero Lena Chen...."
Having trashed three harmless memoirists for their factual transgressions,
Josh attempts to show how his own Mexican Hat Dances around the Truth are
entirely benign and forgivable--but ends up failing to convince even himself.
"The last three or four hours that I have spent on the upkeep of this blog
have been devoted to denigrating, demolishing, casting aspersions upon,
and otherwise pooping all over brother memoirists Frey, Sedaris, and Burroughs
for their propensity for making stuff up in their so-called memoirs...."
For once in his life, Josh gets seriously indignant. The trigger? Augusten
Burroughs and his skin-saving legal tactics that have put all memoirists
"When last I slunk out of the dank depths of my lightless, vermin-infested,
copiously-stocked-with-supermarket-wine cave to update this site, I was
mewling and whining in my inimitable fashion about David Sedaris and the
damage he had wrought upon all memoirists.."
Blog 04: May 17, 2008
And Nothing But the Truth...Sorta (Part 2)
Turns out the secret to David Sedaris's success as a memoirist is rampant
and deliberate lying. Josh reaps sour grapes.
"I hereby declare this to be a four-part series. The first three will
deal with America's three most prominent and beloved lying memoirists;
the fourth will explain why, despite my comparably vague acquaintanceship
with truth-telling, I will never quite measure up to those three...."
Blog 03: July 3, 2008
And Nothing But the Truth...Sorta (Part 1)
In the first post of a series on truth-bending memorists, Josh forgives
James Frey his sins.
"It's hard out here for a memoirist...."
Josh explains how Lindsay Lohan's fate convinced him not to permit readers
to post feedback on his site.
"Welcome to the rebooted Josh Muggins website. I'm Josh, and I'll
be your blogger this evening..."