|Just Who Is Josh Muggins,
and Why Can't He Stop Scratching Himself Down There?
|Josh Muggins arrived in Japan in 1979 after graduating from
college in Minnesota. In the late Eighties and early Nineties he wrote features
for Tokyo Journal, at the time the premier English-language magazine in
Japan (simultaneously published in the US under the title Japan Journal).
He also wrote occasionally for the now defunct Tokyo Time Out.
He has published one collection of essays, Wussie: In Praise of Spineless Men, and two memoirs, How
To Pick Up Japanese Chicks and Doom Your Immortal Soul and Summer of Marv. He continues to reside most of the year in Japan where he teaches at
a small college and manages to do no harm. To his delight and amazement,
the long-suffering Mrs. Muggins continues to tolerate him after more than
a quarter century.
Josh Muggins himself, it turns out, is
typing these sentences in the third person. Even as it dawns on him how twisted
that is, he canft bring himself to stop. He discovers that therefs something
oddly empowering about referring to oneself as if one were someone else
entirely. It somehow distances one from one's own words and deeds, freeing the
individual from any sense of responsibility for them. Small wonder personalities
as diverse as Rickey Henderson and Bob Dole have succumbed to the habit, he
Josh Muggins is well aware that he risks losing his young
"fan base"--if such a puny demographic can be so called--by taking shots at so
dated a punching bag as Bob Dole, and yet Josh Muggins canft resist getting one
last jab in before Bob Dole ceases to share this plane of existence, before Bob
Dole receives his visa to the Undiscovered Country, before Bob Dole's vital
essence disseminates into the All and the Everywhere, before Bob Dole's
subscription to Breathers Digest expires, before-- well, you most likely
get the drift.. Specifically, Josh Muggins wonders just what it is that Bob Dole
grunts at the conclusion of one of his Viagra-fueled escapades with Mrs. Dole.
gBob Dole is coming! Bob Dole is coming!h one can almost hear him drone, in
exactly the same tone that Bob Dole once used to vow over and over and over that
Bob Dole wouldn't raise your taxes.
Anyway, in a nutshell, thatfs who
Josh Muggins is: he is no more nor less than the kind of man who takes
gratuitous potshots at a harmless, retired statesman and war hero just for the
cheap thrill it gives him.
And now hefs going to cut this tommyrot short
before the third-person addiction becomes as endless and annoying as a Bob Dole